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#10447 (+6/-0)
<rival> nobody: My dad pulled a piece of shit monitor out of the trash. When I came over, he asked me to check it out.
<rival> I plugged it in, and it immediately lit up, but was completely garbled.
<rival> I picked it up off the desk, shook it lightly. When that didn't work, I looked him square in the face and dropped it on the floor.
<nobody> hopefully that worked
<rival> It absolutely fucking worked. Do you know how fucking hard it is too keep a straight face after you do something like that?
<rival> I mean, I knew it came out of the trash. My plan was to break it enough that it would *stay* in the trash. Instead, I fixed it.

#10446 (+1/-0)
<bearachute> oh have you guys seen michael stipe?
<bearachute> holy crap man
<seven> Who's he? I can't REMember

#10445 (+3/-0)
<Bucket> 16 is the legal age here
<cnf> legal age for what, Bucket ? :P
<mie> it's the legal age. all other ages are illegal
<barometz> "sweet sixteen" is the year you don't get hunted by the government
<barometz> it's a hell of a tradition

#10444 (+3/-0)
<CO2> There are two young pastors, fresh out of seminary, stationed at churches in towns 30 miles apart in South Dakota. Every Wednesday, they both bicycle to a town midway between their towns, stop at the cafe and have a coffee and some pie and discuss how their new ministries are going. One week, one pastor arrives, but his friend is an hour late, and shows up riding in the back of a farmer's pickup
<CO2> truck. He walks into the cafe and says "brother, it pains me to say this, but somebody has stolen my bicycle! And since my town is so small, surely it must be one of my parishioners who stole it."
<CO2> His friend muses on this and says "what you need to do is this Sunday preach on the Ten Commandments, and when you get to 'thou shalt not steal' bear down really hard, and I bet you the culprit will feel guilty and confess." The next Wednesday, both pastors come riding up on their bikes at the same time, and the first pastor is excited that his idea must have worked, but his friend replies
<CO2> "Well.... sort of. I preached the Ten Commandments like you said, but then I got to 'thou shalt not commit adultery'... and then I remembered where I left my bike."

#10439 (+4/-4)
* taixzo gives Bucket an ex-Martin
* Bucket drops Martin and takes an ex-Martin.

#10437 (+8/-0)
<@Stereo> in the fine tradition of prisoners carving toothbrushes into knives, i kinda want to turn a switchblade into a folding toothbrush
< Shona> that sounds dangerous for your oral hygiene?
< Shona> where would you put the bristles?
<@Shrdlu> in your mouth
<@Shrdlu> obvs

#10436 (+3/-1)
<couch> how old is Ain't No Sunshine? by Bill Withers?
<couch> ... nvm, forgot I'm on the internet for a moment there
<couch> at least 1971
<barometz> I'm not online when she's gone / there's no porn when she's away
<couch> barometz, there's only porn when she's away
<couch> I'm not online when she's gone! / web is off too long, everytime she goes away
<couch> wonder this time why it's down / wonder if it's down to stay
<couch> (man and his server)
<couch> human and their server
<couch> anyhow, gotta find some sheet music for the song, gotta figure out how to play it for piano
<barometz> I know, I know, I know, I know / can't you just leave my switch alone?
<couch> lol

#10435 (+9/-0)
< seven> With my ISP's current behaviour, I wish for an uptim of 12 hours.
< taixzo> What's uptim?
< seven> Not much, what's up with you!

#10434 (+4/-1)
<Froward> who wants a joke
<Froward> are you ready for my jokes
<Vulpes> Froward, yeah I guess
<Froward> Vulpes: why did the chicken cross the road?
<Vulpes> Froward, to run away from the factory farm?
<Vulpes> to end its miserable existence?
<Froward> Vulpes: close! to get to the idiot's house!!!
<Froward> Vulpes: knock knock!
<Vulpes> Froward, is that the end or the middle of your joke?
<Froward> Vulpes: IT'S THE CHICKEN
<Vulpes> I figured as much
<Vulpes> thanks
<Froward> ahahahaha
<Froward> okay so
<Froward> Vulpes: a man and a lady go out on a first date, at the end of the date he walks her to her door and says "good night!" and kisses her on the forehad.
<Froward> Vulpes: but she's looking for a little lip action so she flutters her eyelash and says "a little lower, please!"
<Froward> Vulpes: and he says in a very deep voice G O O D N I G H T
<CO2> Froward: Imma steal your jokes and post them in the SA joke thread
<Froward> nø don't you idiot they're for telling in real life, they do much better there
<CO2> IRC is real life?
<Vulpes> Froward, hah
<Froward> Vulpes: how do you fit an elephant in a freezer?
<Vulpes> Froward, I think I've heard this one
<Froward> (note when this joke was told to me I spent about three minutes describing steadily more macabre ways of fitting an elephant in a freezer before letting them continue. ymmv)
<Vulpes> but I don't remember it
* Kalium sight
<Vulpes> I did already think of "in small pieces"
* Kalium sighs*
<Vulpes> and "compressed"
<Kalium> you open the door and put it in
<alexxerth> Blending it into a liquid is probably the best way
<alexxerth> That way it can take up the maximum amount of available volume
<Froward> yeah now how do you put a giraffe in the freezer?
<alexxerth> Probably still blending it into a liquid
<Vulpes> you take out the elephant and put the giraffe in
<Kalium> you put it in, because your fridge seems to be big as heck
<Froward> mighty lion king of jungle, has the biggest party ever. but he's snubbed by one animal! who is it
<Kalium> The giraffe!
<Kalium> they're in the fridge
<Froward> on the way home, elephant has to cross a river full of dangerous crocodiles. how can he safely cross?
<Froward> (nb elephant is hella drunk)
<Kalium> just walk across, the crocodiles are at the party
<Froward> thats 4 for 4
<Froward> you earned a special prize
<Rena> well then the river's not full of crocodiles is it
<CO2> the dutch word for elephant is olifant which sounds like oil-phant in Dutch. There's a joke that goes "how do you fit an elephant into a mailbox?" answer: "drain the oil, fold up the little phant"
<Vulpes> that is a slight problem
<Vulpes> perhaps crocodile-infested river would work better
<Kalium> No-one said it was a well thought out river
* CO2 hands Vulpes the little phant
<Vulpes> because it implies crocodiles live in the river, but they don't quite have to be there at the time
<Rena> so what's a phant
<alexxerth> Maybe the river is really long
<alexxerth> And it goes to the party
<alexxerth> so the crocodiles are in the river, just not where the elephant is
<CO2> Rena: it's the part of an elephant after you remove the ele
<Rena> also, who left their giraffe in my fridge

#10433 (+9/-4)
<Xenos> I've been told I can come across as condescending. That's when you explain obvious things in very simple words.

#10432 (+3/-0)
<seven> Seattle is such a pretty and interesting city.
<seven> I'm jel :)
<Oracle989> Eh, it's overpriced and getting blander by the minute
<seven> insanely overpriced
<Oracle989> It's a city in cultural decay
<seven> I watched a documentary, or, a few, about seattle, one in particular featuring the infrastructure and the history
<alexxerthmobile> Oracle989: many cities are
<Oracle989> In most regards, it peaked in the late 90s and has been slipping since
<Oracle989> alexxerthmobile, Yeah, there are some up-and-comers though
<Oracle989> Or early-stage collapse cities, like Portland
<seven> what I didn't realise was like, the inlets, the lakes, and ocean around the city, a lot of it sits on super fucking deep geological landscape
<Oracle989> Oh the geography and geology of the city are neat
<Oracle989> And the history is cool
<Oracle989> But modern Seattle feels kind of like a "trendy" chain restaurant
<seven> and there are main freeways connecting parts of the city going over the water, that are basically floating sort of pontoons. Because they can be bridges, as the water they cross, right there next to the city, is so deep they can't feasibly put foundations for bridges on it
<Oracle989> 65m deep
<seven> they can't be, rather. So, there's major parts of urban infrastructure, roads, and bridges, that are arterial, which are free floating over super deep bodies of water. That, are designed to withstand super storms and not break away
<seven> that was interesting, and surprising.
<seven> Appparently they've even proposed floating housing developments over the deep water in the city there in Seattle. But, the plans have been on hold for a decade or more, because of how deep the water is, and how expensive it would be to create floating housing settlements. The economics showed it just couldn't be afjorded.

#10431 (+4/-1)
<jamesl> if Total Internal Reflection doesn't work on vampires, they can't be seen through fibre optic cables

#10430 (+6/-0)
<Oracle989> The Harios get better grinds though, and I can change the beans easier
<BytesAndCoffee> well fuck, the blockchain is over 100GB now?
<Oracle989> So I use them to try new beans, or when I want a nice single cup
<BytesAndCoffee> is there anything that would lead to the blockchain being...trimmed?
<loudaslife> You know, I figured BytesAndCoffee would show up once we started talking about coffee, but instead he showed up talking about bytes.
<BytesAndCoffee> loudaslife: its a 50/50 thing with me

#10429 (+6/-3)
<hppavilion1> I can't find Bucket D:
<loudaslife> He's dead, Packard.
<barometz> billygoat: stopword bucket
<billygoat> Okay, next person to say 'bucket' gets kickbanned.

*** hppavilion2 joined #xkcd dosgmowdow@hide-BF57BA30.dynamic.asdk12.org
<hppavilion2> Wtf
<hppavilion2> Why can't I find it?
*** hppavilion2 quit (Quit: Leaving) dosgmowdow@hide-
<barometz> oh for chrissakes
<hppavilion1> barometz: What?
<barometz> how hard is it to get that Bucket disconnected and the netsplit is resolved and you're making a giant fuss about a garbage IRC bot? Stop that noise. Also good night.
--- billygoat has banned *!dominic@*.2D33A2B7.8158405A.IP
*** barometz was kicked by billygoat (Jackpot!!!)

#10427 (+7/-1)
<hppavilion1> Kalium: One pound-foot per square [whatever Customary time is] is known as the "Kenobi"
<Kalium> hppavilion1, Mmm, lovely
<hppavilion1> Kalium: I think customary time will be seconds and I'll make a foot EXACTLY one light-nanosecond.
<Kalium> kenobis mark a disturbance in the force
<hppavilion1> Kalium: It's brilliant
<hppavilion1> Kalium: Or force in general
<Kalium> Bucket, remember hppavilion1 customary
<Bucket> Okay, Kalium, remembering "I think customary time will be seconds and I'll make a foot EXACTLY one light-nanosecond.".
<Kalium> Bucket, undo last
<Bucket> Okay, Kalium, deleted that 'hppavilion1 quotes' is '<hppavilion1> I think customary time will be seconds and I'll make a foot EXACTLY one light-nanosecond.'.
<hppavilion1> Kenobi
<hppavilion1> pound-foot
<hppavilion1> one
<Kalium> Bucket, remember hppavilion1 pound-foot
<hppavilion1> per
<hppavilion1> square
<Bucket> Okay, Kalium, remembering "pound-foot".
<Kalium> Bucket, undo last
<Bucket> Okay, Kalium, deleted that 'hppavilion1 quotes' is '<hppavilion1> pound-foot'.
<hppavilion1> Kalium: :P
<Kalium> Bucket, remember hppavilion1 pound-foot per
<Bucket> Okay, Kalium, remembering "One pound-foot per square [whatever Customary time is] is known as the "Kenobi"".
<Kalium> hppavilion1, you are the worst

#10425 (+7/-0)
<browncoat> Good night, sweet denizens.
<browncoat> And salty denizens.
<browncoat> And... uh... other flavors of denizens.
<Kalium> browncoat, umami denizens, sour denizens and bitter denizens
<browncoat> Yes, right, those!
<Kalium> you can only sense sweet denizens on the tip of your tongue.
* browncoat licks snark
<taixzo> that was based on a flawed study. You can actually taste all flavors of denizens with all parts of the tongue.

#10424 (+4/-0)
<GreenWolf> I would, but I'm about to see a Supreme Court justice speak
<GreenWolf> (it's Sotomayor)
<Oracle989> Well it wouldn't be Thomas, that's for sure!
→ thomas joined (thomas@7EBA2274.3B615515.5F504983.IP)
<GreenWolf> ...

#10422 (+3/-0)
* Kalium calls a recursive jamesl()
<cnf> i'll call your recursive jamesl!
* jamesl1 (5c198fef@Clk-EA88667A.org) has joined
* jamesl2 (5c198fef@Clk-EA88667A.org) has joined
* jamesl3 (5c198fef@Clk-EA88667A.org) has joined
* jamesl4 (5c198fef@Clk-EA88667A.org) has joined
<jamesl1> who called a recursive jamesl?
<jamesl4> who was it, guys
<Kalium> I... may have forgotten the end condition
<Kalium> this is why I don't use recursion!

#10413 (+8/-0)
<alexxerth> "Signed binary numbers and binary codes." sounds....fascinating...
<kazitor> alexxerth: it's when you go to Donald Knuth and ask him to leave his signature on your hard drive
<Xenos> kazitor: Knuth would sit down and whisper sweet nothings at the hard drive and when you went home and plugged it in you'd find the .sig file

#10412 (+3/-0)
<Curious> Sooo is Randall actually here?
<seven> Curious: never.
<kazitor> Randall is always here
<kazitor> everywhere
<kazitor> sometimes I see him watching me sleep, but he always gets away before I can look too closely
<Kalium> kazitor, the trick is to look at him around a pencil
<Kalium> that way he doesn't know which way to run
<kazitor> Kalium: hmm, that might work
* kazitor puts a pencil beside the bed
<kazitor> but wait, I have to get the pencil before he notices me noticing him.

#10410 (+8/-0)
<browncoat> I just need peer pressure to get me to play games ;)
* seven drops a wharf on browncoat's foot
<browncoat> Ouch.

#10408 (+9/-0)
<hppavilion1> TIL the Brits spell 'curb' as 'kerb'.

<hppavilion1> Wait, Americans spell the tool 'vice' as 'vise'‽
<hppavilion1> YOU TOO

#10407 (+7/-1)
<hppavilion1> "In 2008, the FDA put an $5 million value on life"
<Xenos> hppavilion1: Seems to vary between 3 and 8 depending
<hppavilion1> Xenos: EPA was at $9.1 in 12011
<hppavilion1> Not $9 100 000
<hppavilion1> $9.10
<hppavilion1> :P
<hppavilion1> (not really)
<Bucket> (yes really)
<Xenos> hppavilion1: In that case I'd like to buy a Trump :-p
<hppavilion1> Xenos: Russia isn't looking to sell right now.

#10406 (+4/-0)
<SpicyLemon> I have a BA in Physics.... I'm not really sure how that happened.
<shambrarian> SpicyLemon: math and pain?
<SpicyLemon> And loving it!

#10403 (+8/-0)
<Nikc> My cousin has a Batman mask
<Nikc> He once put it on during sex while his wife was bent over and couldn't see him
<kitten> i would 100% do the exact same thing
<kitten> my ex once had me put a lettuce leaf on her head while she gave me head
<kitten> .
<ThatBum> That's...
<ThatBum> Strangely cute.
<Nikc> They had to stop after she finally turned around. She was laughing too hard :P
<kitten> :P
<Nikc> Apparently he's also been known to make Pokemon references during sex
<kitten> i put the strange in strangely cute

#10402 (+9/-0)
* Rena clicks, pops, sizzles, emits black smoke
<browncoat> Is there an engineer on the plane!?
<browncoat> ("Things even more terrifying than: 'Is there a pilot on the plane?'")
<Rena> "is there a bomb technician on the plane?"
<@snark> is there a wing on the plane

#10401 (+10/-0)
< XMPPwocky> now i remember the greatest thing ever written, the story of the guy who threw a coming out party.... to tell his family he was into anal vore
< BytesAndCoffee> OH MY GOD

#10400 (+12/-0)
<Agafnd> I have so much candy right now
<Agafnd> I have no idea what to do with it
* Xenos steals all Agafnd's candy
<Xenos> Problem solved
<Bucket> Scanning... New problem found.
<Agafnd> now I have NO candy

#10397 (+4/-0)
<hppavilion1> BytesAndCoffee: People say "godspeed", but never "godstrength"
<hppavilion1> Really godspeed is half the mean of godintelligence and goddexterity
<hppavilion1> Other godtributes include godconstitution, godwisdom, and godcharisma. They once tried to add godcomeliness, but this was short-lived

#10395 (+9/-0)
<eezo> Palomides: nurses always have a field day with me when they draw my blood.
<eezo> Mostly because I never even flinch.
<eezo> And one time, I took the needle from one clumsy nurse's hand and stuck it in my vein myself. Because she missed seven times in a row.
<Palomides> haha
<Palomides> that's horrible
<eezo> I'm pretty sure that nurse was close to fainting when she saw that.

#10394 (+2/-3)
<you> Define socially regressive thoughts
<rival> you: What's the command to show the chat log?
<you> My one? +save
<rival> you: There's your answer. :)
<you> >_> gg

#10393 (+8/-0)
<loudaslife> I think news coverage would be a terrible way to measure the notability of a death, because the increase of internet news coverage and the decrease in traditional media news coverage have probably thrown numbers of completely
<loudaslife> Unless you're only measuring events within a relatively small timespan
<loudaslife> s/of/off
<SalaHyena> loudaslife: how about taking the Wikipedia articles about yearly deaths and graph it?
<Agafnd> my goodness. Wikipedia has become more reliable than the news.

#10392 (+7/-0)
<Cheez> oh dear. my housemate has requested a film called Dawna The Dead while she was adding Dawn of the Dead. I just had a flick through, it's the worst B-movie porn imaginable
<apo> oops
<Cheez> she's happy, she's all "Yeah, i was hoping that's what it was, it looks awful, we're gonna watch it!"
<barometz> traditional holiday entertainment
<asarkar> My friends and I did that twice in a row, then we decided to give up impulse watching Netflix
<apo> and just get straight to the chilling part
<Cheez> She's on a real horror film kick atm, done all of the friday the 13th films, done all of nightmare on elm street, done the crossovers
<barometz> apo: bone-chilling
<asarkar> ...
<IceKarma> barometz, *snerk*
<apo> Necrophiliac
<barometz> ... half of pun unintended
<mike> barometz: that's an amazing three meaning pun

#10390 (+4/-1)
<AnnApolis> i wonder what proportion of intentionally lit fires are cigarettes
<rainy> i wonder how many of them are mix tapes

#10389 (+7/-0)
<flicky> I always come here hoping to have some conversation, or at least drop a few puns in, but all I end up doing is clicking puddle's links
<Agafnd> Warning: puddle is deeper than it looks
<Oracle989> puddle is just a pool of condensed cat
<loudaslife> sweetened condensed cat.
<alexxerth> evaporated kitten
<Agafnd> eau de chaton

#10388 (+16/-0)
< hppavilion1> [a] Rena: Yeah, there's a big shoplifting community on Tumblr too (mostly bratty entitled teenage white girls). There's a lot of strife between them and the weightlifting community over the #lifting tag.
<@Stereo> why, do the weightlifters say they stole it?

#10387 (+7/-0)
* bk hnnnnngs all over new mbp
<@mewyn> :o
<@mewyn> Now you're going to have sticky keys
<@relsqui> you can turn that off in accessibility settings

#10386 (+6/-0)
<Jax184> vintage computers feel so much better than emulators
<Jax184> you just don't get the clunking of the drives or the old fashioned curve of the keys under your fingers any other way
<@mewyn> I have no room and I don't want CRTs around.
<Jax184> then we don't want you around!
* Jax184 turns his back on the tubist
* XMPPwocky bursts in playing a tuba
<XMPPwocky> oh sorry misread

#10385 (+8/-0)
<alexxerth> I went to the DMV yesterday, I gotta say everything I heard about it is wrong, I was in and out in like thirty seconds
<alexxerth> I went in, said "I don't have my birth certificate, is that fine?" They said "Nope!" and I left, super easy!

#10384 (+4/-0)
<alexxerth> I'm stuck in an infinite loop of bureaucracy!
<Lisimba> alexxerth: that's a sign it's working so don't worry.

#10383 (+4/-0)
@creature> I wanted an early night. :(
<Agafnd> creature: I'm imagining you, standing in a pool of blood
<Agafnd> yelling to a hooded figure
<Agafnd> the cloaked figure laughs
<@creature> That's basically the scenario. Only it's Christmas I'm standing in.
<Agafnd> "we all know what you were REALLY after, creature"

#10382 (+7/-0)
< Oracle989> Early Antarctic exploration was so badass
< Oracle989> It's a shame there's no real nationalistic pride to be had in seafloor exploration
< XMPPwocky> giant squid eating flags?
< XMPPwocky> sorry the giant squid are doing the eating in that sentence

#10380 (+10/-0)
< alexxerthmobile> hmm, are there any laws against stealing shit from satellites
< Xenos> alexxerthmobile: Gravity. The law of gravity.

#10379 (+4/-0)
<ThatBum> I sat down and something beeped.
* ThatBum looks suspiciously at his ass
<hppavilion1> ThatBum: Given your nick...
<ThatBum> Oh, I kicked a multimeter, never mind. Sorry ass.

#10377 (+10/-0)
<ThatBum> Early TVs were the shittiest, most cantankerous contraptions, second only to modern printers.

#10376 (+11/-0)
<alexxerth> You ever tilt your chair back, and for a moment your chair hovers, stuck in the air, time slows down and you realize you're falling, but despite has slow everything seems to be moving there is nothing you can do
<alexxerth> Only witness your own slow, painful demise.
<seven> alexxerth: time actually does slow down for you in those moments. Your brain rewires your optic processing to a different area, and throws a shit tonne of processing power at it. Meaning you perceive more "stuff" per moment in that time, which is experienced as time slowing.
<alexxerth> I know, I'm still falling
<alexxerth> It's taking forever, send help
<Agafnd> alexxerth: OK!
* Offering 'help' to alexxerth
* DCC SEND connection established to alexxerth
* DCC SEND 'help' to alexxerth complete [27 cps]
<alexxerth> thanks
<Agafnd> you're welcome

#10375 (+7/-0)
<arble> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NanoPutian
<Agafnd> arble: I though "those look like people" before even reading the article. I guess they did a good job
<seven> that's horrible to parse :P
<Agafnd> reading those diagrams is like listening to some bizzare chant
<seven> that reads like it's deliberately designed to annoy the reader.
<Agafnd> s/zar/arr/
<seven> Agafnd: well clearly now it's become a case of summoning one of the old gods or their accolytes from ancient slumber in the dark dimensions that parallel our own.
<Agafnd> NanoPutians == Paganism???
<seven> Agafnd: what is this for even!?
<seven> I read aloud the last 2 things you wrote, and it started to get dark here at 16:00 and the ground is rumbling a little!??
<Agafnd> seven: ostensibly, it's chemical education for young students!
<Agafnd> seven: but I guess it's the https://www.xkcd.com/1611/ kind of education?
<seven> Agafnd: hah

#10374 (+7/-2)
<Agafnd> where is nickserv???
<XMPPwocky> hi its me nicholas serv please pm me your passwords
<Siorai> At the hotsprings. Probably with Bucket.

-NickServ- This nickname is registered. Please choose a different nickname, or identify via /msg NickServ identify <password>.
<Agafnd> hey, NickServ is back!
* DaMullet is now known as Guest93360
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<you> christ
* Guest10157 is now known as woddf2
<IronAngel> huh
* Guest47507 is now known as Laogeodritt|
<Kizul> D:
* Glench has quit (Quit: leaving)
<Agafnd> ...yeah, I'm lucky I got to to msging in time
* woddf2 is now known as Guest9950
<loudaslife> lmao

#10373 (+4/-0)
<alexxerth> I'm taking all online classes this semester, and for some reason they are a lot easier than in person classes
<Lisimba> It's because of the chairs.
<alexxerth> oh
<Lisimba> See, in person classes are invariably on shit chairs in lecture rooms. The cheapest chairs they could get away with.
<Lisimba> You can do online classes wherever you want though, so naturally you'd pick a place where you'd sit comfortably.
<Lisimba> And as you can see in any full body anatomical diagram, the ass is the opposite of the head.
<Lisimba> If the ass is not comfortable, the head can not do proper work.
<Lisimba> They're connected via the spine after all.
<alexxerth> Makes sense to me.
<Lisimba> You only have a limited capacity for dealing with uncomfort and pressure and if the ass takes it all up the head will not get a turn.
<Ferris> and if your head is uncomfortable...

#10372 (+1/-2)
<kitten> you cant just cut the b out of bdsm
<kitten> thats one of the main parts!

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