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#10549 (+26/-2)
<@zetlen> fucking global elite giraffe fucks
<@zetlen> can't face how bad their neck idea was
<@zetlen> FIND SOME SHORTER TREES YOU BIG YELLOW PISSBUCKETS
<@zetlen> you spindly failures
<@zetlen> imagine how shitty giraffe dating apps are
<@zetlen> "All i care about is neck height", is the one checkbox, that's all you get
<@zetlen> genitals and neck length
<@zetlen> it's not even fun! it just matches you up with the longest available nearby neck
<@zetlen> "here," mumbles the app joylessly. "she's got a long neck"
<@zetlen> and then you get there and she photoshopped her fucking neck
<@zetlen> she's a fucking okapi
<@zetlen> you're like FUCK
<@zetlen> now she's gonna say i'm ANTI-OKAPI when it was HER misrepresenting her FUCKING neck length
<@zetlen> if YOU'RE so pro-okapi, WHY DID YOU HIDE YOUR STRIPEY LEGS and LENGTHEN YOUR NECK IN PHOTOSHOP and SAY YOU DON'T WANT KIDS
<@zetlen> then i realize it was the wrong app
<@zetlen> i was actually in the OK(api)Cupid app
<@zetlen> and it was just an innocent okapi with a giraffe cosplay fetish
<@zetlen> and i'm like "Oh fuck, Carol, I just found out--Don't gallop away, I didn't realize that--Sorry aaaaaa I'm open minded about okapis, for real"
<@zetlen> and i chase her through the brush as she runs away from the date, crying big okapi tears
<@zetlen> and i'm like GIVE ME A CHANCE, i'm a WOKE GIRAFFE
<@zetlen> and then my long dipshit neck hits a low-lying branch, i bend in half and uppercut myself with my own collarbone, knocked unconscious
<@zetlen> i dream
<@zetlen> "this is because my neck sucks, isn't it"
<@zetlen> yes, me. yes it is
<@zetlen> i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i just--i thought necks were the best,
<@zetlen> my head hurts and my date--did my date happen? i can't remember
<@zetlen> i look at my phone and there's an article on the Daily Wildebeest
<@zetlen> "I Went On A Date With An Asshole Giraffe. What Did I Learn?"
<@zetlen> 34K retweets
<@zetlen> so anyway i'm like, fuck, reputation ruined, did she use my name
<@zetlen> thankfully not, but there are enough identifying details--she talked about my spots, and the weird way i pronounce "ibex"
<@zetlen> and i think, fuck, i could really use some leaves
<@zetlen> and i look around and i realize like
<@zetlen> i hit this tree, and a bunch of leaves...fell off it....onto...the ground
<@zetlen> i've gotta...we don't need...we can just bump into the trees and...we don't need...the neck
<@zetlen> so i go tell my buddies, like, what if we asked some rhinos to bump trees and we shared the leaves with them
<@zetlen> this suggestion goes all the way up to The Lengthiest
<@zetlen> the council of the lengthiest convenes about this suggestion
<@zetlen> The Cloud Botherer, leader of the Council of the Lengthiest, appears before the populace, still mumbling about that viral story that was trending, about that shitty date with the okapi
<@zetlen> "We have thought upon the Rhino Symbiosis Proposal, and we have come to a decision"
<@zetlen> "We cannot enter into any arrangement with the Rhinos."
<@zetlen> "Because...we look down on their kind."
<@zetlen> "We will dispatch an envoy to the Rhino Council to inform them of our decision."
<@zetlen> it's me. it's me, i'm the envoy
<@zetlen> my neck's still sore and i'm still embarrassed and stuff, but okay, i take the dirty leaf we offer them and run a few kilonecks to the Rhino Council
<@zetlen> so they take the message, and they go around the horn about it
<@zetlen> i'm all standing there, out of breath, and they're like "Wait, so, why again?" all peering up at my little head
<@zetlen> "It's...no offense, but...they say we look down on you."
<@zetlen> and they're like "Oh, makes sense actually. I mean, look at you."
<@zetlen> and i go "So that doesn't hurt your feelings?"
<@zetlen> and The Stubbiest, the head of the Rhino Council, says to me, he says
<@zetlen> "Nah, we've got pretty thick skins."