#5791 ⇧ (+41/-10) ⇩
<Demetrious> ... okay, how the hell did this joke go from... whatever it was... to me wanting to fuck a duck?
<Selig> fuck fuck fuck a duck!
<Selig> screw a kangaroo!
<signpost> finger bang an orangutan
<signpost> support your local zoo! \o/
#7767 ⇧ (+10/-0) ⇩
<Jax184> "Perhaps the only cartoon in the universe in which a clock on the wall visible in most episodes updates in real time."
* Jax184 has been sucked into TV tropes
<PacifistDalek> Oh noes!
<DaMullet> Jax184! NOOOOOOOOOO
<PacifistDalek> Men (and women). We're going to need volunteers for a commando team to go and rescue Jax184
<PacifistDalek> It'll be a dangerous mission
<PacifistDalek> Some of us may not return
<Jax184> it's too late for me!
<Jax184> save yourselves while you still can!
<PacifistDalek> Jax184: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
* natjo cuts Jax184's ethernet cable
<Bucket> I never liked PacifistDalek anyway.
#8848 ⇧ (+9/-0) ⇩
-*- Rena puts SCP-682 in Bucket
-*- Bucket hands Rena a bucket of fried chicken in exchange for SCP-682
<Rena> good trade.
-*- Bucket throws in fissile material for free.
<Rena> better trade!
<someloser> Someone is in for a surprise. :)
#8012 ⇧ (+27/-0) ⇩
<whiskeyish> ladies and gentlemen--DEBASER!
<Debaser> Thank you, thank you
*whiskeyish settles down.
*Debaser returns to the house of good internet
*whiskeyish plucks out a song on guitar about the house of good internet.
<whiskeyish> there is a house in new south wales
<whiskeyish> they callll the good internet
<Debaser> AND IT'S BEEN
<Debaser> The home
<Debaser> Of many a fast torrent
<whiskeyish> and porn, i know, is one
#9898 ⇧ (+9/-1) ⇩
<Palomides> do something
<Palomides> surely you have some desire you might pursue
<Palomides> now is your moment
<Palomides> logic: it's been 15 minutes, what'd you do
<XanT> If they are doing what I usually do when bored then you might want to give them some quiet time ¬.¬
#6137 ⇧ (+28/-6) ⇩
< TheMiNd> god that excuse is so old...
< TheMiNd> "I don't know HOW i got pregnant mom! It must have been sperm in the swimming pool!"
< TheMiNd> "No, no joseph, really! the Holy Ghost impregnated me!"
<@relsqui> yeah it is literally the oldest excuse in the book
#6572 ⇧ (+50/-11) ⇩
<creature> My picture from today: http://www.flickr.com/photos/acreature/3988617180/
<benbw> creature: you are an owl?
<creature> Why yes. Hoot.
<Palomides> congratulations on typing so quickly with such a limited number of digits
<creature> It's called "hunt and peck" typing.
#8575 ⇧ (+35/-0) ⇩
<Flibberdy> Eule: :D On a related note, last year a jar fell off the top of our fridge and hit our fuse box. It knocked out a 1000A fuse.. but nothing happened in our house
<Antior> Flibberdy: what does anyone need 1000 amps for? 0_o
<Eule> Flibberdy: ...what Antior said. 100 A maybe?
<Flibberdy> We were confused and then figured the fuse must not be live. I went to plug it back in and there was a rather impressive arc of electricity.. so I stopped that
<Bucket> LENS FLARE!
<Flibberdy> a few minutes later an electrician knocked at our door..
<Flibberdy> turns out that fuse controls the entire electrical supply of our next door neighbour's house
#6758 ⇧ (+62/-10) ⇩
* khmer sets mode: +mN
<@khmer> it's not censorship because it's technically possible to say something funny about anything
<@khmer> but the fact is none of you can do it
<@khmer> none of us can with any regularity
<@khmer> so no rape jokes
<@khmer> no, the joke you saw on another irc channel is not funny
<@khmer> no, the joke from a forum is not funny
<@khmer> no, making the bots rape is not funny
<@khmer> it's so hard to do and none of you/us are good at it
<@khmer> so the agreement is we stop
<@khmer> message concludes
<@khmer> thanks for brooking my honesty
* khmer sets mode: -mN
<Zi> khmer: Are rap jokes still alright, though? D:
* Zi was kicked by snark (rap is tragic and not funny)
<sheepbat> what about canola jokes?
* khmer sets mode: +v sheepbat
<@khmer> ok sheepbat made the first funny rape joke ever
#5100 ⇧ (+24/-10) ⇩
-!- Johnny was kicked from #xkcd by billygoat [lern2punctuate]
-!- Johnny has joined #xkcd
< Johnny> this place wouldnt be so bad if it werent for the self righteous pseudo intellectual cock suckers who think that grammar and punctuation on irc is the paragon of intellectual prowess
#6415 ⇧ (+68/-11) ⇩
<noey> now i want a pb&j sammich
<Royall> sammich = [p + b, j]
<noey> we have no pb or j
<noey> no bread either
<Royall> noey.buy([noey.find(pb), noey.find(j), noey.find(bread)])
<Royall> Traceback (most recent call last):
<Royall> File "life.py", line 39, in <module>
<Royall> TragedyError: noey hit by motorcycle
#5632 ⇧ (+7/-0) ⇩
<@Lhyzz> bucket, set band_name 100
<Bucket> Okay, Lhyzz.
<@Lhyzz> Surreptitious Daffodil Fancy
<Bucket> "Surreptitious Daffodil Fancy" would be a good name for a band.
<@Lhyzz> Mongolian Beaver Cheese!
<Bucket> "Mongolian Beaver Cheese" would be a nice name for a band.
<@Lhyzz> bucket, set band_name 10
<Bucket> Okay, Lhyzz.
<phobiac> Three word phrase!
<Bucket> We're done now.
#8998 ⇧ (+9/-3) ⇩
< natjo> i feel like if this was a marriage we would as a whole decide to get divorced when Bucket goes to college
< natjo> because without Bucket conversation wouldn't happen
< natjo> so it would be meaningless to live together
< Nav> Well then it's a good thing this isn't a marriage
< natjo> Nav: you'll be hearing from my lawyer
#1392 ⇧ (+48/-11) ⇩
< Geekthras> I just almost posted my password to irc o.O
< bittyx> Geekthras: You know, if you type it on IRC, it shows up as asterisks... :P
-!- Truth [truth@hide-8C5DFA28.cable.mindspring.com] has quit [Connection reset by peer]
< You> it does?!
< You> ********
< Bucket> Password Accepted
< You> holy crap!
< You> it does!
< Dark-Fx> hunter1
< bittyx> Yeah Dark-Fx. So you can type hunter1 and it shows up as ******* to all of us.
< deadfool> its hunter2 dumbass
< Dark-Fx> Joke is on you all
< Dark-Fx> 23:42 <Dark-Fx> drop dark-fx hunter1
< Dark-Fx> 23:42 -NickServ(NickServ@services.)- The nickname [dark-fx] has been dropped
#9414 ⇧ (+12/-2) ⇩
<name> So here's a question: I'm looking for a fan that can move roughly 5 cubic meters of air a minute, but I also need high static pressure to push that air through a filter. Are there options that aren't obscenely loud?
<katana> name: have you tried a golf fan?
<name> katana: I was about to ask you to elaborate, but then I got it. *golf clap*
#7349 ⇧ (+50/-8) ⇩
ellipsis: folks, what's the difference between sarcasm and cynism?
Freudian: ellipsis: cynicism is a worldview, sarcasm is a form of communication
athan: <sarcasm>yeah, like I'm gonna tell you</sarcasm>
Freudian: Cynicism is the refusal to accept that the world can sometimes be a nice place
Freudian: Sarcasm is just saying one thing to imply the opposite
athan: <cynicism>Noone really knows for sure anyway</cynicism>
ellipsis: thanks a lot, great help
Stackhauser: ellipsis: I read your thanks as sarcastic before I realised it was sincere.
Stackhauser: Which probably makes me cynical.
Freudian: Stackhauser: ...lol
ellipsis: Stackhauser: thanks :|
#785 ⇧ (+11/-0) ⇩
<relsqui> (he is really irritatingly hot, and this is not just me)
<relsqui> (it's been a topic of discussion)
* crodgers busies himself
<Bucket> [You hear a distant squeak.]
#8410 ⇧ (+11/-3) ⇩
<x2x> The International Whaling Commission has put the Japanese whaling ON HOLD.
* x2x is furious.
<x2x> err, Japanese whaling issue.
<x2x> You know what I mean!
#2162 ⇧ (+28/-7) ⇩
<@Hermiene> Anyways, I do like "sudo".
<@Hermiene> It's like, "Do this". And the computer is like, "No, sorry, can't do it for reason x". So then you pull out a gun and go "You do it NOW, motherfucker, or you'll taste my fucking bullet!"
<@Hermiene> That scares the computer into submission, you see.
#4988 ⇧ (+41/-9) ⇩
<Aegis> I just Rube Golberg'd my desk. I leaned back in my chair and my headphone cord caught on my glass, tipping it over into my lap, so I stood up really fast and knocked my keyboard up with my crotch and into my speakers, which unbalanced my fat ass CRT monitor into falling over and tipping the CPU over onto the bed.
#2065 ⇧ (+24/-6) ⇩
<relsqui> my cat just lay down with her chin on my wrist. that's very very fuzzy.
* nova20 applauds relsqui for her perfect conjugation of the verb "to lie"
* nova20 gives relsqui a commondation on behalf of the Chief of the Grammar Police
<relsqui> and I just noticed you misspelled "commendation," which is hilarious only because of the context.
<nova20> well, it's the Grammar police, not the spelling polise.
<nova20> oh man
* nova20 facepalms
<nova20> that's "police"
#8121 ⇧ (+43/-4) ⇩
<@khmer> the new foreman is being shown around the gigantic underground warehouse by his brother, the freight elevator operator, who got him the job. they pass by the refrigeration unit as the elevator is descending the many floors to the bottom of the warehouse, and a blast of frigid air hits them both.
<@khmer> the foreman knows he is underqualified and fundamentally irresponsible, and his substance abuse problem has lost him plenty of jobs, but his brother wanted to give him another chance
<@khmer> the foreman feels the blast of cool air like the breath of a watchful god, poised to smite him should he betray his kin another time
<@khmer> "what was that blast of air", he says gingerly to his stoic brother
<@khmer> his brother says "that's the refrigeration unit, on the 4th floor."
<@khmer> a long and uncomfortable silence passes between the two brothers
<@khmer> both of them feeling the weight of expectation upon their shoulders
<@khmer> tacitly, the foreman feels his brother's mounting disgust with his lack of preparation. he knew this was a food warehouse. he knew there would be refrigeration. but it had slipped his mind.
<@khmer> every moment, every motion feels like a cringe. he loves his brother and is grateful for the second chance, but he doesn't have the words
<@khmer> he was taught not to use the words
<@khmer> he was taught to turn up the television or to leave and go buy mom a pack of dunhills
<@khmer> his brother got all the luck anyway, all of the good fortune and all of the second chances
<@khmer> and despite his mother's blatant favoritism, his congenital scoliosis, the chain of foolish devotions to soulless women, the learning disability
<@khmer> he still found himself feeling ashamed, though he had accomplished more in a material sense than his brother--the precise kind of sense that all his loved ones told him was the only sense that matters
<@khmer> his emotions collapse into themselves, their complex miasma balling up into a black shame
<@khmer> he forgets that his brother might love him, and knows in the bleak center of it all that he must go through the motions
<@khmer> the elevator inches lower, passing by the refrigeration unit
<@khmer> the elevator operator looks at the new foreman, at his image in the wrecked spirit, at his blood in the dust
<@khmer> the silence of longing and voiceless love and anger and fear and regret
<@khmer> he can think of nothing to say about the refrigeration unit, but knows that his brother is expecting comment, and he would do anything to escape the deafening silence
<@khmer> the silence of longing and voiceless love and anger and fear and regret
<@khmer> so as the blast of icy air relents, over the creak of the elevator, he says
<@khmer> "cool story, bro."
#5163 ⇧ (+23/-6) ⇩
<@snark> I like when people think I'm really serious.
<@snark> PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
<@snark> I HAVE A DISABILITY
<@snark> WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I SUPERGLUED MY TONGUE TO THE INSIDE OF MY CHEEK
<@snark> THAT IS ALL
#10152 ⇧ (+25/-2) ⇩
<@Shrdlu> also we had the best idea
<@Shrdlu> Twitch Serves HTTP
<@relsqui> so you just, what, hit a webpage?
<@relsqui> and get ...
<@relsqui> mangled headers
<@Shrdlu> well, no
<@Shrdlu> almost all the time you get a 500 because we're serving a different request right now
<@Shrdlu> *but* if you're lucky then yes you get mangled headers
#908 ⇧ (+46/-10) ⇩
<Kumquat> I want food.
<Kumquat> Or love. It is a hard choice.
* Apollo gives kumquat a woman with nice melons
<Apollo> now you have both
* morrisey applauds Apollo
* Apollo bows
* Kumquat nominates Apollo for a Nobel.
#8897 ⇧ (+6/-5) ⇩
<Hodapp> taixzo: a kludge, on DOS and x86? NEVER!
<Hodapp> taixzo: next you're going to say that the distinction between extended memory, XMS, EMS, VCPI, DPMI, DPMS, HMA, UMB, lower memory, upper memory, conventional memory, and base memory is a kludge too
<Hodapp> taixzo: I'll have you know that DOS can use large amounts of memory
<IceKarma> Hodapp, *bzzt* DPMS is "Display Power Management Subsystem"
<IceKarma> Hodapp, "extended memory" == XMS
<IceKarma> HMA/UMB == upper memory
<Hodapp> IceKarma: *bzzt*, DR-DOS had its own type of memory called DPMS that was not the same as that DPMS
#7914 ⇧ (+27/-0) ⇩
<logic>: TCIAL: you could always develop a fetish for apologising.
<SpicyLemon>: logic: "I'm going to say I'm sorry, but while I do, I'd like to hump your leg."
<Frowardd>: I have a fetish for being apologised to
<SpicyLemon>: Frowardd: Sorry to hear that.
<Cheez>: sorry to hear that
<TCIAL>: Frowardd: Sorry to... DAMNIT
<logic>: I'm not even going there.
<InTheBlue>: im so sorry to hear that Frowardd
TCIAL calmly wipes his face clean
<TCIAL>: cheers for that Frowardd...
<Xeio>: So Frowardd just had a apologasm?
<Frowardd>: I FORGIVE ALL OF YOU
#8393 ⇧ (+55/-1) ⇩
<Zing> So is there any way to install WinXP on an Ubuntu machine without an actual disk..? My Google powers are failing me.
<llrcombs> Zing: USB drive?
<Bucket> USB drive is already being used as an ubuntu installer
<llrcombs> Bucket: ohh, you're good
#965 ⇧ (+52/-4) ⇩
allabouttrust: okay, so. we're on the freeway
allabouttrust: it's 2am
allabouttrust: slightly slick road because it had been raining that day
allabouttrust: we're driving along, i'm in the front passenger seat
allabouttrust: and the driver is quickly changing lanes to scare the guys in the back
allabouttrust: (five people in the car)
allabouttrust: and i get him to stop and then say 'no, this is how you scare them'
allabouttrust: and i yank the wheel
allabouttrust: and the car fishtails down the wet freeway
allabouttrust: at 110km/h
allabouttrust: for a good 200m
allabouttrust: before doing a 180
allabouttrust: then we slide off the road, into the dirt
allabouttrust: as soon as the side wheels hit the dirt they dig in, the car flips sideways
allabouttrust: rolls two and a half times in the air, and lands on it's roof
allabouttrust: the front of the car crushed against a ramp of earth alongside the freeway
allabouttrust: and us missing a lightpole by 3m
allabouttrust: and noone was hurt
cerise: allabouttrust: That's terrible aim. You were so close!
allabouttrust: i know!
#1088 ⇧ (+5/-0) ⇩
Fredd: James, sweety, with this money we could buy the baby a new crib!
JamesAG: Screw the baby... I need new shoes
***JamesAG smacks Fredd
JamesAG: shut up and sit down
JamesAG: it's my money, we do as I say
Fredd: POSTMODERN AMERICAAAAAAAA!!!
***Fredd punches James in the face
JamesAG: wtf was that for?