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#8996 (+17/-0)
<Cheez> jeez, just realised that after our 21 hours of travelling, i have a 125.4 mile drive to the other side of big island, in an automatic (which i have never driven before) on the wrong side of the road
<Cheez> im so going to have a head on colision with a 40 ton truck
<apo> enjoy
<llrcombs> Cheez: automatic isn't difficult
<llrcombs> Cheez: just don't try to shift, and you're good
<Cheez> my friend had an accident about 3 minutes after getting into one
<Cheez> to be fair it wasnt entirely his fault
<Cheez> the guy behind him should have been further away / more aware
<Cheez> he floored the clutch as normal
<Cheez> the clutch was the brake
<Cheez> car behind drove straight into him

#5425 (+13/-0)
<orbit> wow.
<orbit> i just got this email
<orbit> and it says
<orbit> This is your penis: 8--o
<orbit> This is your penis on drugs: 8=====O

#859 (+83/-15)
nameless: Well, it was fun while it lasted, if only it had lasted longer
dyfrgi: What was fun while it lasted?
xavier: That, precisely, is what she said.

#407 (+8/-1)
<Stereo> my right eye kinda sucks
<Dextrose> good for skullfucking i bet

#7103 (+26/-3)
<theleica> How do you know what sour assholes taste like?
<photosynthetica> theleica: Do you want to go down this road, senor?
<theleica> photosynthetica, you bet I do.
<photosynthetica> You can't just open up the book of my life and start readin' in the middle.
<theleica> Captain Mal quotes won't get you out of this one.
<photosynthetica> Shit.

#4356 (+1/-11)
* Royall o/ \o Icekarma
* Royall o/ _o Icekarma
* Royall e_e

#7978 (+18/-1)
< Eule> Shrdlu: I dunno. I wussed out of EE and went into CompSci, and I turned out perfectly normal
* Eule hoots
* Shrdlu tosses Eule a rat.
< Eule> ooh!
* Eule HORK HORK HORK HORK
< Eule> Shrdlu: thanks!
<@Shrdlu> Eule: Yeah, I mean, I can respect that.

#6078 (+51/-10)
FsMobile: Carmen Sandiego is fucking amazing, she can steal the god damn statue of liberty and make it to fucking peru with only like 6 actual witnesses

#1375 (+8/-0)
<@RhymeBot> winvirus, you have been muted for 10 seconds for not rhyming - RHYMEBOT =/= AWESOME

#9053 (+21/-1)
<polemon> ok, I moved from pdfTeX to XeTeX a couple of years ago, now it seems, I might have to move to LuaTeX
<neoinr> polemon: have you tried TeXmeX?
<polemon> neoinr: no, what is that?
<neoinr> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tex-Mex

#5650 (+22/-6)
geekahedron: y'know
geekahedron: considering the connotations of a trojan virus and the trojan horse story
geekahedron: that's a really horrible name for a brand of condoms
fluffy: lol
Selig: hahaha
Debaser: Hahahaha
Selig: thats... a really great point
Debaser: Oh man!
Debaser: Thats really a terrible name!
Maximinus: geekahedron: yeah, wouldn't you just be worried that once it's in, a little door's going to open up and its contents will spill out?
geekahedron: exactly
Debaser: Oh my god!
Debaser: A terrible name!
Debaser: Hahahahaha!
Debaser: Nobody thought that through!

#8278 (+12/-5)
< L> so I guess you can have sex as loud as you want all over the playground equipment as long as it's past 4 in the afternoon
< L> sounds like a pretty good deal
< darthFerret> O.o
< darthFerret> wow
< darthFerret> I walked into a very odd conversation here

#1391 (+20/-6)
< royall> Like, 'Let's stop being so ____ and get to the point'
<@relsqui> roundabout?
< royall> Define roundabout? it sounds wrong
<@relsqui> it means basically what you're saying
-!- Squiddhartha [~squiddhar@hide-65749E4E.org] has joined #xkcd
<@relsqui> as a noun it also means a traffic circle but as an adjective it means indirect, not to the point
<@relsqui> Squiddhartha: quick, what word am I talking about?
< Squiddhartha> roundabout!
* relsqui applauds

#7545 (+18/-1)
<ellipsis> http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/079/5/3/The_Greatest_Race_Ever_by_kevinbolk.jpg who wins?
<Jax184> ellipsis: It suddenly turns into slash fiction and everybody wins!

#10309 (+15/-0)
<Missy> who describes settlers of catan as "a complex game reserved for the nerdiest corners of the gaming world"
<AnnApolis> people who have only previously played risk?
<~rob-sothoth> srsly settlers is like entry-level nerd shit
<~rob-sothoth> it's like my least favourite eurogame
<Missy> what's your most flavorite
<~rob-sothoth> alien frontiers, probably
<AnnApolis> so there is your answer
<AnnApolis> who describes settlers of catan as "a complex game reserved for the nerdiest corners of the gaming world"? people who have never said "it's my least favourite eurogame" on an IRC channel founded to discuss webcomics

#249 (+7/-0)
<shoofle> do you have more plaster?
<relsqui> nope, only the leftover solid plaster
<shoofle> try sticking it in the hole

#502 (+3/-1)
< kakos> String theory is the biggest heap of bullshit ever to come out of the mouths of pseudo-scientists. It's not science. It's not scientifically testable and the only thing it predicts are things that QM or relativity already predict.
< kakos> A bunch of idiots gathered around, took all the data points we had, furiously masturbated with mathematics, and produced a mathematical model that fits all the data. Unfortunately, none of the points in between the data points we already have are verifiable.
< kakos> In conclusion, fuck string theory in the ass. Fuck it in the stupid ass.
< kakos> String Theory is religion for physicists.

#6047 (+27/-7)
< Spork> Halfway through, the casket pops open, and Michael Jackson jumps out, and starts doing the Thriller dance.
< sheepbat> hahahahha
< Bucket> You think that's FUNNY?! You sick FREAK!

#1004 (+42/-10)
<Inky> My cat is such a bitch. She drags these moist towels all over the house, which I understand, you know, instincts and all.
<Inky> But whenever I take one of them and dangle it in front of her and try to get her to chase it, she looks at me like I'm retarded.

#7502 (+106/-2)
<Vampyre>: Bucket, gimme a present
* Bucket hands Vampyre more glitter
<Vampyre>: ...
<Vampyre>: FFS
<Vampyre>: No more glitter. ; ;
<Vampyre>: Try this again.
<Vampyre>: Bucket, gimme a present
* Bucket gives Vampyre a brightly wrapped package containing a blobfish and four tons of glitter

#10356 (+13/-0)
<relsqui> hang on, please wait to argue about this until we can tell what we're arguing about

<relsqui> okay, I have found the source of the argument
<relsqui> you belong to the Church of Pedantry
<relsqui> and I'm a linguist

#4058 (+30/-7)
<Sh0rtWave> Bucket: tell me about my love life.
<Bucket> I'm sorry, there's currently nothing associated with that keyphrase.

#5002 (+5/-2)
<quit> "The Octopus may very well be the biggest threat to national security since brown people. "

#9390 (+26/-0)
< GreenWolf> I don't even have a tab key and I still have auto-complete
< GreenWolf> observe:
< GreenWolf> Buckley: literal[*] GreenWolf quotes
< GreenWolf> ...
< RavuAlHemio> Eeeyup.
< GreenWolf> GODDAMNIT BUCKLEY

#8645 (+12/-0)
< StoneWork> Why is bucket so obsessed with wombats?
<@snark> wouldn't you be?
<@Shrdlu> StoneWork: Why aren't you?
< Science> StoneWork, why aren't you?

#7966 (+14/-0)
<torpedo> i dun want the brain maggots.
<cuddlefish> THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH BRAIN PARASITES
<cuddlefish> THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES
<Seth> cuddlefish: I QUITE AGREE
<Random> ALL GLORY TO THE BRAIN PARASITES

#7237 (+8/-7)
* Jax184 gives Bucket his spooge
* Bucket hands Jax184 an erection in exchange for Jax184's spooge

#1479 (+7/-0)
<luketheduke> I could have just said 'I don't care, I've grown out of detesting people'
<luketheduke> (except for those that deserve it, which noone on this channel can possibly do)
<Tiara> luke: Man, listen.
<Tiara> You're gonna pull down some bad karma with that shit
<Tiara> Are you trying to attract all the assholes? That's got murphy's law written all over it!
<Tiara> That's like saying 'HEY DETESTABLE PEOPLE! COME TO #xkcd!'
<luketheduke> Tiara, just don't let them know I said it, okay?
<Tiara> It's too late! It's already floating around! Out there! IN SPACE!!
<Tiara> The next person who comes in that door is going to be an asshole, watch ;_;
* Kumquat (Lathen@hide-DA760F6.man.east.verizon.net) has joined #xkcd
<Tiara> SEE?!

#1567 (+15/-2)
<Bucket> [Meanwhile, in Lamp's pants ...]
<Bucket> [There is silence, and then a suffusion of yellow.]

#10119 (+14/-3)
<alexxerth> We need a bot that can "get" jokes
* @Shrdlu gives Bucket jokes
* Bucket is now carrying jokes, but dropped undefined behaviour.

#8918 (+6/-4)
<x2x> It's good to know that entities in other multiverses use Chrome on Linux.
<Vespers> x2x: well presumably badly developed things develop in similar fashions in any universe

#9750 (+21/-1)
< Tau> I'm not sure if anyone here is into games but
< Jax184> you're not sure if any of the 371 nerds in here are into games?

#8370 (+14/-5)
< Saturn> why have i suddenly become rather aroused?
< mike> ...
< Bucket> [khmer hastily puts his pants back on.]

#6666 (+71/-13)
* DM taps
<Corynne> that ass?
<Jello_Raptor> out?
<Jello_Raptor> a pint?
<TehLaser> land for mana?

#111 (+376/-37)
<~xkcd> root: But I already have the brainware for solving a rubik's cube without thinking much, it's just shoe-tying
<~xkcd> in fact, I have conducted experiments wherein --
* xkcd covers shoofles ears
<~xkcd> -- I tried solving a rubik's cube while getting progressively more drunk
<%relsqui> :D did you take notes like 'two shots ... 5:25'02'
<~xkcd> yeah, I have a video :)
<~xkcd> and I found that even up to the point of near-passing-out, the drunkest I've ever been/ever plan to be, I could still solve it
<~xkcd> although I had a problem actually finding and picking it up

#10529 (+4/-0)
<hppavilion1> jamesl: ISIS is *really* annoying/hilarious due to all the acronym collisions.
<jamesl> most companies have changed names now though
<hppavilion1> jamesl: Yeah, but they can't rewrite history.
<hppavilion1> They lack the privileges in the git repository for Civilization to do so.

#8130 (+112/-0)
Scouto2 gives bucket the location, speed, and rotation of a specific electron.
* Bucket now contains the location, speed, and rotation of a specific electron.
<alSeen> exactly
<Bucket> Shit! You just collapsed the waveform!
* nazgjunk gives bucket a heisenberg compensator
* Bucket is now carrying a heisenberg compensator, but dropped the location, speed, and rotation of a specific electron.
<nazgjunk> ...
<Bucket> [There is the sound of distant drums.]
<Login> my head essploded.

#1418 (+117/-17)
< Nash> I have blue highlight in kittuns and orange on nick
<@root> nick
<@root> nick
<@root> nick
< Monarch> hehehe
< Monarch> nick
< etarip> nick
<@root> nick
< Monarch> nick
< Nash> eh, no, not that
< Nick> WHAT
< Nick> FOR GODS SAKE WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT FROM ME

#692 (+4/-4)
<Bryan> damn typos :P
<Bryan> always on mah back screaming for a banna
<Bryan> banana....also helps if you cna spell
<Bryan> can8
<Bryan> shit whore cocksucking dick licking ass whipe
<Bryan> can*

#8657 (+16/-1)
-!- adventure [silverworm@hide-F308DCE0.resnet.ohio-state.edu] has joined #xkcd
< adventure> You are sitting in a sports car with blacked-out windows. Exits are DOOR and BACKSEAT.
< Xeio> adventure: Inventory
<@relsqui> adventure: would you be so kind as to pass the turing test?
< adventure> relsqui: Sure. I'm Boom_Farmer, frequently seen in -love and -minecraft.
<@relsqui> righto, carry on ;)
< adventure> Xeio: You pat your pockets. You find a LIGHTER and a KEY.

#6334 (+7/-1)
<Noob> Bucket, Noob is an adonis.
<Bucket> Please don't edit your own factoid, Noob.

#7768 (+6/-0)
<practisevoodoo> oh no! they have revealed the identity of the stig! you know what this means
<ellipsis> practisevoodoo: that we won't know who the stig is
<practisevoodoo> bbqq I know! but this means we have to have a NEW stig
<bbqq> practisevoodoo; or they just start introducing him as ben collins, the stig.
<ellipsis> bbqq: impossible, the stig is not a person, it's ... the stig
<practisevoodoo> the stig can only exist in a state of quantum flux where we can either know what show he is on or his name but not both
<torpedo> bbqq: No, it's in the Stig's contract that if his identity is revealed, he must resign
<bbqq> ellipsis, I have the big poster with all the stig quotes when they introduce him on :)
<torpedo> That's why Black Stig's no longer with us
<torpedo> So White Stig's gonna "die" and they'll replace him with Stig III
<practisevoodoo> killed the last one off when he drove off an aircraft carrier
<sheepbat> I want a pink stig
<sheepbat> ..but then it could only be Sabine
<practisevoodoo> sheepbat, you mean the stigs gay cousin?
<torpedo> I bet some friends that the next Stig will be blue
<sheepbat> i'm thinking gray
<coaxmetal> Battle Angel Alita stig?
<practisevoodoo> well the last 1st one was #000000, this one was #ffffff, logically stig 3 will be #888888
<ellipsis> you know, with The Stig revealed, I guess Top Gear now has to do a ... Stig shift

#10139 (+5/-7)
<vibhavp> "Your TV is supposed to only use it's camera to follow your gesture commands, but it's a bit suspicious how it always offers Disney downloads when your children are sitting in front of it" D:
<CO2> vibhavp: what does it do if you whip your dick out
<nicolas17> CO2: makes it raise

#5369 (+86/-20)
<Descretoria> Yo dawg, we heard you like macs, so we only put one pedal in your car

#131 (+20/-6)
< morner> there's nothing good about gentoo
< morner> (or anything that's not debian)
<%relsqui> I dunno, I'm pretty fond of oxygen

#10372 (+1/-2)
<kitten> you cant just cut the b out of bdsm
<kitten> thats one of the main parts!

#10269 (+16/-0)
<bk> Bucket: forget that
<Bucket> Okay, bk, forgot that danish is actually a language i'd really like to learn, if only because i'm mostly of danish ancestry
<kazitor> bucket can be convinced of anything.
<kazitor> "bucket, you do not want to learn Danish"
<kazitor> "ok," he replies
<bk> ha, parsing my text as telling bucket that his dreams aren't worth pursuing does make it more amusing
<bk> forget it, Bucket, it's chinatown

#9790 (+28/-1)
<quackgyver> Oh god, I've been confusing Bucket with Branes all this time
<Branes> I get that a lot.
<Bucket> I get that even more!

#10094 (+21/-1)
< Lisimba> Why is it called microphone? What's the non-micro version?
<@Shrdlu> Lisimba: a megaphone, obviously
<@Shrdlu> Lisimba: if you have one in between, that's just a phone

#9294 (+21/-0)
<LolCam> I'M NO ONE'S BRO
<schwal> LolCam: Right, sis.
<LolCam> schwal: I ain't yo' sis
<LolCam> FUCK OFFFFFF
<LolCam> I dunno
<LolCam> I'm so frickin' tired and bored in this class.
<schwal> LolCam: No, my sis is in class, and better not be on IRC.
<schwal> ...wait...