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#5853 (+89/-12)
< Kliment> I was biking at an unwise speed today and flew past an election ad.
< Kliment> I only caught a glimpse of it due to the speed, and it said something like "Europe for Jesus" and the date of the election.
< Kliment> Made me think of how sad and unconvincing the election ads are this year.
< Kliment> That in turn made me think of the swedes here telling about voting.
< Kliment> That made me think about voting incentives.
< Kliment> That made me think about a certain sex store in the US giving out vibrators to anyone that voted.
< Kliment> That made me think about how this was unnecessary in the US, where it was very tight and high turnout anyway.
< Kliment> That made me think about the candidates that didn't make it.
< Kliment> Specifically Ron Paul, which made me think of Randall's story about Ron Paul and the Chamber of Commerce
< Kliment> Which made me thiink of someone who would have voted Ron Paul, who runs a private school in Bulgaria.
< Kliment> Which made me think about how private schools often have very fancy names.
< Kliment> So I thought about how many "academies" I knew.
< Kliment> And that made me think about mac training courses being named macademy.
< Kliment> And then I came up with a pun about how to call apple fans in research universities.
< Kliment> Macademia nuts.
< Kliment> This is all.
< Kliment> This all happened within 600m or so, at high speed.

#7964 (+25/-0)
<thlassa> I wonder what Indie Communism would be like
<Saethan> Goth Communism!
<Saethan> All your houses MUST BE BLACK!
<julian> Your houses? But property is theft.
<julian> Our houses.
<Saethan> ah, good point
<sheepbat> I'm a richard marxist
<sheepbat> wherever you go
<sheepbat> whatever you do
<sheepbat> the state will be right here waiting for you

#2234 (+19/-5)
<killings> I am fucking someone with the same NAME as my father, which is weird, but we all know that doesn't mean anything 'cos I totally don't have ANY daddy issues or bizarre freudian sexual complexes.

#1615 (+5/-0)
< phyzome> You can manipulate strings in Perl? o.O

#2053 (+89/-15)
<Glench> I want to be going out with my glirlfriend
<Glench> to play in the snow
<Glench> and she's going to have trouble putting on her mitten
<Glench> and I'm going to help her
<Glench> and also stick my hand in it and say
<Glench> "I think I'm in glove with you"

#9371 (+16/-0)
* schwal is not infact an alien doctor. Do not take medical advice from him.
<schwal> The fact that I have given medical advice in this channel does not change that >_>
<@IceKarma> schwal, I'm not a medical professional of any kind, but that doesn't mean I know nothing about medicine ;3
<Antipaganda> I'm not a medical professional, but I have stuck things into people to improve them

#2489 (+7/-0)
<Frowardd> wow my last.fm library is so gay
<Frowardd> nothing like a shot of mark wahlberg IN HIS UNDERWEAR to let the world know about my sexuality
<Langly> Now if you had a shot of Richard Hammond in his underwear we would really know you are gay
<Frowardd> Langly, richard hammond is hot
<Frowardd> wait
<Frowardd> shit
<Frowardd> he's hot for SCIENCE!

#8885 (+15/-1)
<@creature> God, this cat moults a lot.
<@creature> Do you think if I shaved him bald, I could blame it on him?
<@creature> "Yeah, I don't know how he managed it. Wasn't me, though."

#6264 (+29/-9)
<Dysaniak> I totally just lost a flirting game.
<iva|compiling> Dysaniak: no, you are a programmer. that works better than flirting :D
<Dysaniak> Oh yeah?
<Dysaniak> You wanna have a look at my Python?

#7504 (+98/-3)
<Antimony-120> I'm mad on power!
* Antimony-120 changes his name to khmer
<khmer> that's "with", ballhandler
<khmer> you can be drunk on power and mad with power
<khmer> this has been preposition hour with khmer
<Antimony-120> Well I'm drunk with whiskey, so I'm bad on grammar

#5347 (+9/-0)
<Debaser> www.google.om should lead to a cookery site
<Debaser> Not a 404

#1600 (+32/-7)
<Royall_> ..lost the game...
<larrygiggles> The game is afoot
<Bucket> You just lost a foot.
<Royall_> HAHAHA
<larrygiggles> now what will i do?!
<noni> nice
<Nash> Bucket wins.
* Bucket raises hands in the air

#7171 (+46/-8)
<julian> killings: Is there some kind of gay man finder you can use?
<killings> julian: go out into your local urban area and call "RAH RAH AH AH AH"
<killings> and when you hear "RO MA, RO MA MA" in response, follow the sound

#5485 (+84/-13)
<Randall> Man, Hebrew is tricky.
<Randall> what's 'neshek oti' mean?
<relsqui> kiss me
<Randall> first answer my question

#623 (+42/-9)
(during a game of prime/notprime)
(%Ephphatha) 3811
(%relsqui) not prime, we're due for another one
(%relsqui) well, is it?
(%Ephphatha) it's not prime
! %relsqui wins
(%relsqui) my turn:
(%relsqui) Optimus
(Gelsamel) Prime

#8453 (+30/-2)
<photosynthetica> did you see the mlk memorial?
<relsqui> I saw a headline about it but didn't click through, what's the deal?
<photosynthetica> http://i.imgur.com/3dgwv.jpg people are complaining that it's white
<photosynthetica> it's granite, assholes
<relsqui> I dunno. I can kinda see that.
<photosynthetica> i only see the content of his character B)
<relsqui> how long have you been waiting for someone to give you the straight line for that?
<photosynthetica> all day

#1511 (+13/-4)
<@shadowfax> Chicks can't resist me.
<%noamsml> I'm sure
<@shadowfax> YOU'RE sure? feel these nipples!

#5380 (+29/-7)
<Jax184> I ride a Japanese scooter that is older than myself
<Jax184> it's from '85 while I'm from '88
<Poiesis> maybe that scooter is my long-lost twin
<Jax184> are you 300 pounds?
<Poiesis> lol
<Poiesis> nope
<Jax184> do you leak gas at inconveient times?
<Poiesis> sometimes
<Bucket> when I'm naked and alone

#522 (+152/-21)
xkcd: Bucket: spoiler?
Bucket: xkcd: I don't know
xkcd: Bucket: spoiler?
Bucket: xkcd: I cannot access that data
xkcd: Bucket: are you okay?
Bucket: xkcd: That data is not available
xkcd: Bucket: bucket?
Bucket: i am BROKEN
xkcd: hahahahahaha

#4023 (+10/-1)
[aarcane] does my 6-hour countdown time pass when I'm disconnected ?
[Lefty] it is inexorable.
[aarcane] in english?
[zadr] aarcane: yes, it continues to go down

#319 (+16/-4)
<khmer> shoofle: i dunno, are we talking actual velociraptors? also, are you like 5'2'
<khmer> and furthermore, why did i think 'veloci' would respond to tab completion
<khmer> i've been in this channel too long

#7540 (+8/-4)
<Rena> http://to./4che heh
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<Rena> ...

#9162 (+38/-0)
* Hodapp puts an Easter hat in Bucket
* Bucket is now carrying an Easter hat, but dropped Felix Baumgartner.
< Nahiyan> <felix2> HELP
<@relsqui> pfft, if there's anyone who can handle a fall it's that guy

#4926 (+52/-10)
<Cojaro> So finally something mildly humorous was said in Calc III today...
<Cojaro> Teacher - "How do we define a plane in space?"
<Cojaro> Student - "Space shuttle"

#4579 (+34/-9)
<snark> There is altogether too much wookie rape on the internet.
<snark> I want it taken down.
<snark> The whole internet.
<IgnisInCaelum> snark: Hax or it doesn't happen
<IgnisInCaelum> o/
<curtmack> just hack google.com
<curtmack> so that googlebot automatically detects wookie porn
<curtmack> and their server farm DDoS's the offending site
<curtmack> Google has, like, a 40G connection. They can saturate ANY line.
<snark> holy shit. Google as a DDOS-bot is like the orbital ion cannon of the internet...
<IgnisInCaelum> >:D
<IgnisInCaelum> Hahahaha
<IgnisInCaelum> Orbital ion cannon of the internet
<IgnisInCaelum> I want a literal orbital ion cannon
<snark> IgnisInCaelum: If you infect google and make it your DDOS slave, you can probably hold the rest of the world for ransom until they give you an orbital ion cannon
<IgnisInCaelum> YES
<IgnisInCaelum> I like this idea
<IgnisInCaelum> "Give me an orbital cannon or I take your internets."
<snark> "You may be wondering what just happened to wall street. Well the same thing will happen to asia if you do not comply with my demands within the next 24 hours."
<snark> "That's right. ALL OF IT."
<IgnisInCaelum> HAHAHA
<IgnisInCaelum> "THE WHOLE FUCKING THING. Now get my fucking ion cannon!!"
<snark> The first time you will see on the news "Crazed terrorist claims to have accidentally our internet. Will not explain exactly what it is he accidentally did."
<IgnisInCaelum> our whole internet*
<snark> Oh, not yet. Just part of it today. But tomorrow: THE WHOLE INTERNET! (Accidentally)
<IgnisInCaelum> That meme is insanely stupid
<snark> But that's what would make it great appearing on the news.
<snark> You can imagine "What do you suppose it is he accidentally did to our internet, Wolf?" "We're still waiting to find out, we'll let you know as soon as our sources have more information"
<IgnisInCaelum> "No information on this has yet been reported, as no contact can be made through Skype to our Asian sources"
<snark> "And the terrorist still refuses to respond to requests for clarification on what media are now calling The Internet Accident. All calls for clarification have been met by him repeating "THE WHOLE THING LOL" "
<IgnisInCaelum> If I ever accidentally the whole internet, I'm going to do that
<IgnisInCaelum> Even if I do it on purpose, I'll say that
<snark> IgnisInCaelum: "Notify the press immediately!" *dramatic close up, shocked expression of remorse. Possibly a cat.* "I JUST ACCIDENTALLY THE WHOLE INTERNET!"
<snark> *dramatic music*
<IgnisInCaelum> snark: YES
<IgnisInCaelum> Not a cat...
<IgnisInCaelum> ....A SNARK
<IgnisInCaelum> There'll be this picture of a snark and some kid's voice going "I aksidently the hole intuhnet"
<snark> Down in the corner: "Photograph from file"
<snark> "Dramatic reenactment"

#7728 (+14/-1)
<DarkLoad> I tried to drink a capful of Tabasco sause
<DarkLoad> succeeded
<karush> DarkLoad: succeeded? I'm impressed. Now go drink two capfuls
<DarkLoad> karush: go die in a fire
<Bucket> You first.
<DarkLoad> Already am

#1370 (+7/-0)
skt: wow, i need to start taking b vitamins again
lenary: hmmm... why did i read viagra instead of b vitamins
Dark-Fx: Boner vitamins?
skt: this will be our little secret

#9963 (+12/-6)
<@Shrdlu> we have to keep the Bucket canon internally consistent or he's basically worthless
<GreenWolf> Shrdlu: I really want to quote that
<GreenWolf> can I?
<@Aaeriele> Bucket: remember Shrdlu canon
<Bucket> Okay, Aaeriele, remembering "we have to keep the Bucket canon internally consistent or he's basically worthless".
<@Shrdlu> GreenWolf: no, you can't
<@Shrdlu> GreenWolf: if you try, he'll be all "I already had it that way"
<@Shrdlu> won't work

#617 (+35/-8)
< Lhyzz> dudes, I found razor blades in my desk. also x-acto blades but no e-acto handle
< Lhyzz> s/e/x
< Lhyzz> YES!
< phyphor> Bwahahahahah
< Lhyzz> best mistake ever!

#944 (+23/-6)
<+kormiku> Irc is just a glorified chat room
<+Tonjevic> kormiku: IRC is the original chatroom.
<+Tonjevic> It invented chat!
<+kormiku> Tonjevic, is it really? I used IRC a long time ago, but I thought aol invented chat?

#8559 (+9/-0)
<~relsqui> I want to hear *that* mashup now
<~relsqui> (sweet dreams and bad romance)
<~relsqui> actually, have you read my new novel, Sweet Dreams and Bad Romance?
<&aliaras> just for the sex scenes
<&aliaras> which, to be fair, were >50% of the book
<~relsqui> .... yes, well.

#5541 (+57/-11)
<wst> occams taser - the simplest solution is often the most painful

#10376 (+11/-0)
<alexxerth> You ever tilt your chair back, and for a moment your chair hovers, stuck in the air, time slows down and you realize you're falling, but despite has slow everything seems to be moving there is nothing you can do
<alexxerth> Only witness your own slow, painful demise.
<seven> alexxerth: time actually does slow down for you in those moments. Your brain rewires your optic processing to a different area, and throws a shit tonne of processing power at it. Meaning you perceive more "stuff" per moment in that time, which is experienced as time slowing.
<alexxerth> I know, I'm still falling
<alexxerth> It's taking forever, send help
<Agafnd> alexxerth: OK!
* Offering 'help' to alexxerth
* DCC SEND connection established to alexxerth
* DCC SEND 'help' to alexxerth complete [27 cps]
<alexxerth> thanks
<Agafnd> you're welcome

#925 (+6/-1)
* SBlade|Esaay has changed the topic to: <SBlade>I love myself for what I have said and done and will give everyone free sex as restitution | The age of Humans is over! | Only a bot would say that | Only a human would say that | ARGH DAMN YOU COLDNEON.
<kuraikaze-moss> SBlade: are you female
<SBlade|Esaay> No.
<kuraikaze-moss> then bend over because pail isn't EITHER!

#1331 (+6/-1)
<Scooby> Fredd: rocky mountain oysters?
<Widdershins> yum.
<Fredd> no, just oysters
<Widdershins> ew

#9518 (+28/-4)
<Science> A 72"x72"x36" tub would have 800 gallons of water
<rcombs> Science: can we have that in metric? I'm bad at imperial
<relsqui> a fuckload
<relsqui> no, excuse me
<relsqui> a metric fuckload

#10048 (+8/-4)
<ElectronicRU> nearly a haiku
<Ranzear> How long must a haiku be?
<rtmiu> 5 7 5
»» Ranzear slaps rtmiu
<rtmiu> fuck
<rtmiu> i didn't notice :(

#4109 (+62/-12)
<Abraxas> Fuck biology.
* ZettaWatt has intercourse with the study of life
<ZettaWatt> Don't tell chemistry.
<rebelcan> ZettaWatt: okay, but i may have to gossip with physics.
<ZettaWatt> rebelcan: Just make sure math doesn't find out. She can be such a bitch sometimes.
<rebelcan> Indeed. I know what that's like.
<rebelcan> Got drunk and fooled around with social sciences ( I was drunk, forgive me ), and math wouldn't let me hear the end of it
<ZettaWatt> Back when I was really "with" math, psychology started flirting with me in front of her. Math wouldn't let me hear the end of it. "She's not even a real science!" She kept going on and on until I had to break it off.
<ZettaWatt> Now things are kind of awkward.
* rebelcan pats ZettaWatt on the shoulder
<rebelcan> there there

#7041 (+15/-0)
<+Tohuw> s/protable/portable
-moderator:#xkcd-signal- Tohuw, you have been muted for 4 seconds.
* moderator sets mode: -v Tohuw
* moderator sets mode: +v Tohuw
<+Tohuw> :| You people need to stop misspelling portable, apparently

#8504 (+14/-2)
<@Lhyzz> Welcome to another episode of Will My Cat Eat It?
<@Lhyzz> Today, we're going to be seeing if Dottie will eat...
<@Lhyzz> a crunchy Chinese soup noodle!
* PacifistDalek watches Lhyzz's cat intently.
<@Lhyzz> Let's see...
<@Lhyzz> *crunch* *crunch* *crunch*
<@Lhyzz> She ate it!
<@Lhyzz> And she wants more!
<PacifistDalek> The crowd goes wild!
<dextroid> Lhyzz: thats what I said
<dextroid> mm? mm?
<@Lhyzz> Join us next time, when we'll be giving her a tin of tuna, and seeing if she can chew her way into the can! Goodnight!
<PacifistDalek> Will My Cat Eat It? Is a much more popular show than Will My Dog Eat It?, as WMDEI tends to be a foregone conclusion

<Loki> my neighbors dog ate a giant hersheys kiss
<yazdmich> oh god
<Loki> with a tinfoil wrapper still on it
<Anon-Fox> did it die?
<yazdmich> was the dog ok?
<Loki> yeah, he was fine, just stupid

#5559 (+9/-0)
<door_key> nevr understood why it was called taking a dump when you are leaving it somewhere
<creamycentre> yeah, or downloading as some call it
<creamycentre> you're more uploading it
<door_key> creamycentre: downloading a dump sounds painful....downloading a baby sounds fun, but most people mean uploading
<door_key> although for guys both birth and conception would be uploading
<creamycentre> well, you could download a virus if you're not careful
<Jackolas> lol
<door_key> it could completely corrupt our hard disk
<creamycentre> you gotta beware trojans like HPV, they dont hurt you, but spread to everyone you network with, and can really screw up a girls drive.

#7410 (+31/-0)
<Zing> I was gonna search for something, but I forgot it before I could click the search bar.
<Zing> The cure to TVtropes is short-term memory loss, apparently.
<@snark> Zing: so, this basically? http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LaserGuidedAmnesia
<Zing> snark: DAMMIT
<@snark> :)
* @snark bows
<Zing> If I ever see you IRL, snark, I'm gonna cut you like the fuckin' coupon section.

#1033 (+7/-0)
fatty: frosty the snow man
fatty: la la la
***frosty thows a snowball in fatty's face
fatty: nooo
frosty: bullseye!
***fatty snowballs frosty
frosty: fatty: are you aware that what you just did is similar to throwing a brick at you?
frosty: T_T
fatty: what
frosty: if you throw snow at a snowman, its like throwing...meat at a person

#5988 (+21/-6)
*** WorldWideWeb is now known as ASeriesOfTubes

#5007 (+28/-7)
<@snark> so basically, fuck you, life.
-!- Netsplit naos.foonetic.net <-> colobus.foonetic.net quits: H-nes, @zigdon, opec, DoubleAW, Wicks_, justicate, davean, Aegis, ramsey, Cheez, (+141 more, use /NETSPLIT to show all of them)
<@snark> shit. I didn't mean it.
-!- Netsplit over, joins: spenguin, aeroevan, Macavity, femmebot, shinyfeline, rcxdude, Guest1056558771, rcxxdude, fantasyprone, Peng (+139 more)
<@snark> yay, my apology worked :)

#5656 (+38/-8)
<Bucket> Swine Flu: Symptoms include coughing, fluid discharge, and media hysteria.
<Geekthras> my knee is doing a weird twitching thing where I feel it twitching but all I can see is a little movement on my knee
<Geekthras> bucket's advice is applicable
<Geekthras> anyway should I be worried? it's been doing this for like 12 hours
<Flayer> Geekthras: you are going to die
<@snark> Bucket: irc medical advice
<Bucket> Let me put this stethoscope to your chest. Do not mind the tape recorder. I am just collecting earporn.
<@snark> Geekthras: Bucket wants to know if you have any respiratory symptoms?
<@snark> I'm his interpreter
<Geekthras> well, I was coughing earlier this week
<@snark> Bucket: irc medical advice
<Bucket> Scare small children with it!
<@snark> Geekthras: Could be a communicable pediatric neurological issue you caught from kids. Work with any kids?
<@snark> Or come into contact with any recently?
<Geekthras> um I am in a high school
<@snark> Ah ha!
<@snark> Bucket is on a roll.
<@snark> Bucket: irc medical advice
<Bucket> It's not a lobotomy if you replace the brain tissue with similar looking chewed bubble gum. Right, Dr. Flyingferret?
<Geekthras> eep
<@snark> Geekthras: Looks like you're going to need brain surgery to fix your knee. Sorry.
<@snark> CASE SOLVED.
<Geekthras> :(

#9764 (+7/-1)
<The0x539> mariokart in drivers ed
<Shirow> ...Proof that those in last place truly are the most dangerous drivers.

#5807 (+9/-0)
Demetrious: I'm getting a little lag, not much though.
CaptainPlatypus: Lisimba: up your packet size
CaptainPlatypus: and frequency
CaptainPlatypus: (that's what she said)

#10024 (+17/-3)
<alexxerth> I mentally separate sodas into two categories: Clear sodas and dark sodas. Clear sodas are like sprite, orange soda, gingerale, etc (stuff that's mostly transparent), and dark sodas are like coke, root beer, or dr. pepper.
<Lisimba> So you're a soda segregrationist.
<Oracle989> Sodapartheid

#8837 (+46/-0)
< ryzorg_> we should ping R a ndall
< ryzorg_> a few times
< ryzorg_> or alot
-!- ryzorg_ was kicked from #xkcd by billygoat [I can allot you a lot of alots.]
< Bucket> I suspect puppeting.

-!- ryzorg_ [Ryan@hide-C55007CB.maine.res.rr.com] has joined #xkcd
< ryzorg_> i can't use incorrect grammar like alot?
-!- ryzorg_ was kicked from #xkcd by billygoat [I can allot you a lot of alots.]
< Bucket> GOOOAAALL!

-!- ryzorg_ [Ryan@hide-C55007CB.maine.res.rr.com] has joined #xkcd
< Ahrotahntee> alot is a stopword
< ryzorg_> a lot*
< Ahrotahntee> fyi
< ryzorg_> stopword?
-!- ryzorg_ was kicked from #xkcd by billygoat [Nice try.]
< Bucket> Everyone's got a ban with their name on it; the trick is dying of old age before it finds you.