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#8175 (+441/-9)
* fantasyprone (fantasypro@hide-3089BE47.static.tpgi.com.au) Quit (Ping timeout)
* Apathy runs off to sleep
<Apathy> also tell fantasyprone i said "saw that coming!"
<snark> future fantasyprone says to tell you she saw your mom coming last night
<snark> I have a time machine
<snark> and will pass on your message to avoid a paradox
* fantasyprone (fantasypro@hide-3089BE47.static.tpgi.com.au) has joined #elitists
<snark> fantasyprone: Apathy said to tell you he saw that coming
<fantasyprone> if you see Apathy again, you can tell him I saw his mom coming
<snark> Will do.
* snark hops in a time machine and jumps back a couple of minutes
* snark emerges from the time machine again.
<snark> All done.
<fantasyprone> thanks

#8652 (+191/-1)
<~relsqui> oh oh oh
<~relsqui> I got to use my QR code reader
<~relsqui> there's a paper taped to the window in the front of my school's library, with a code on it!
<~relsqui> and I was like OH HEY I GOT THIS
<~relsqui> pulled out antiphone, scanned code
<~relsqui> it's a text code, not a URL
<~relsqui> it says:
<~relsqui> "Please silence your cell phone."
<~relsqui> well. fucking. played.

[ Proof: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/13951537/libraryqr.jpg --Ed. ]

#7695 (+253/-4)
<Aranittara> why did you decide not to make Bucket's database public?
<Randall> A variety of vague reasons. Letting people duplicate and play with his database makes him less of an entity and more just a collection of channel logs.
<Aranittara> ah
<Aranittara> sure
<Randall> Call me sentimental, but I think it makes it more fun when we anthropomorphize Bucket a bit.
<Aranittara> I understand

#7411 (+222/-3)
<&Antipathy> the battery in my battery tester is dying :(
<&snark> that's either irony or nickely
<&snark> I forget how those things work

#7414 (+221/-3)
< Frowardd> you guys I have $55000 pokemon dollars, how do I spend it in this game
< Frowardd> nothing costs a lot.
<@Shrdlu> Frowardd: Can you, like, put one of them through college or something? I don't really know how that game works.

#8893 (+216/-3)
<photo> i poured my root beer into a square cup and now all i have is beer. please advise.

#8280 (+289/-6)
<stalagmatite> NoobSauce: lack of coffee makes me angry
<NoobSauce> stalagmatite: that's just the coffee talking

#8222 (+197/-3)
* Caffeine puts a cat in Bucket
* Bucket eats the cat
< Caffeine> OI!
< Caffeine> DON'T DO THAT
< Caffeine> BAD BUCKET
< Bucket> I'm not bad! I'm just a product of my environment!
< Caffeine> You... It... I...
< Caffeine> Touche.

#8895 (+168/-2)
<@khmer> well folks
<@khmer> my vuvuzelas were a successful tactical deployment

<@khmer> so it's a bunch of software developers, right?
<@khmer> i love em, they're my tribe, but they're a bunch of little boys coddled by a culture that nurtures their every vanity and indulgence in order to milk money out of their high-paying nerd jobs
<@khmer> so they like to shoot nerf guns at each other during the work day
<@khmer> and then mod those nerf guns so that they shoot the little discs so fast they raise welts when they hit me in the face as i'm trying to work
<@khmer> throwing a very sincere fit didn't help
<@khmer> now they just apologize when they hit me on accident
<@khmer> but so, there are a number of us who abstain from nerf death
<@khmer> and playing silly esquivel music whenever a nerf war broke out did not catalyze their awareness of their own silliness
<@khmer> and asking calmly and sincerely did not help
<@khmer> and it just feels wrong to appeal to authority
<@khmer> so i ordered a dozen vuvuzelas from amazon
<@khmer> and passed them out to the noncombatants.
<@khmer> the instructions were
<@khmer> if you or your working area are struck with a nerf disc, blow your vuvuzela
<@khmer> if you hear a vuvuzela being blown, blow your vuvuzela
<@khmer> that was yesterday morning
<@khmer> this morning an email came in from the VP.
<@khmer> and when we arrived at work, the vuvuzelas had been removed from our desks
<@khmer> along with the nerf guns
<@khmer> so as i said
<@khmer> tactical deployment successful
<@khmer> to those vuvuzelas lost in the line of duty, i salute you
<@khmer> bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

#9178 (+118/-0)
* ellipsis imagines mewyn frantically pointing at a big snake nobody else sees.

#8270 (+301/-8)
<nazgjunk>: wait, what does liberal mean today?
<Diet-Drew>: nazgjunk: "nude"

#8087 (+157/-2)
<&snark> so there was a post on reddit where someone was answering a question about "why do I never get any upvotes" with a long, well thought out paragraph basically to the effect of "The way to get upvotes is to simply contribute thoughtfully when you have something to contribute, and stay away from karma-seeking one-liners."
<&snark> I replied to that post with "AND MY AXE!"
<&snark> my post has twice as many upvotes as the thoughtful post

#8361 (+156/-2)
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<Rena> oh is that what that cable was for

#8130 (+111/-0)
Scouto2 gives bucket the location, speed, and rotation of a specific electron.
* Bucket now contains the location, speed, and rotation of a specific electron.
<alSeen> exactly
<Bucket> Shit! You just collapsed the waveform!
* nazgjunk gives bucket a heisenberg compensator
* Bucket is now carrying a heisenberg compensator, but dropped the location, speed, and rotation of a specific electron.
<nazgjunk> ...
<Bucket> [There is the sound of distant drums.]
<Login> my head essploded.

#8062 (+177/-3)
< Daevol> I found an inconsistency in Linux (an irritating one)
< Daevol> let's say I have /foo/bar/target
< Daevol> and I have a soft link from /home/daevol/link to target
< Daevol> cd /home/daevol
< Daevol> cd link
< Daevol> cd ..
< Daevol> where am I?
< Bucket> You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike.
< Daevol> shut up, Bucket

#8177 (+286/-8)
<DaMullet> Freudian: too short
<Bucket> That's what she said!
<Freudian> :(
<Freudian> :((
<DaMullet> Freudian: TOO MANY CHINS
<Corynne> :((((
<Freudian> :((((((((
<Corynne> :((((((((((((((
<Randall> god dammit guys
<Randall> )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

#4026 (+4956/-227)
< marc> ok story time
< marc> I either got kicked out of art history class or I have straight as for the rest of the semester without work
< marc> about 30 seconds before class I went up to tell him that I would have to leave a little bit early
< marc> we were talking loud enough so the whole class would hear, but they weren't being very loud anyway, now this guy is an asshole he started the whole high pitched mocking voice and said "well if you're leaving then I guess I'll go too, it's not like I have to teach a class or anything, or you have to be here for it"
< marc> so I grabbed my keys out of my pocket and tossed them at him, he caught them and I said "well if you're already leaving you can take my mom to chemo"
< marc> whole class goes silent he's just standing there mouth open keys still in his outstretch hand, I walk up take them from his hand said "that's what I thought" and walked out

#7477 (+102/-0)
< mutable_1alachi> Randall: if I make obscene amounts of money, will you give me immunity from the -signal moderator if I donate $10000 to the charity of your choice?
<&Randall> mutable_1alachi: The charity of my choice? Man, who's teaching you kids bribery these days?
<&Randall> Whatever happened to handing a guy an envelope full of money?

#8162 (+102/-0)
<quine> so anybody know anything about DC optimal power flow?
<Shrdlu> Power enters the system every two to six years and flows through the executive, legislative, and judicial branches of the system before being distributed to the various lobbying and litigation nodes.
<Shrdlu> In order to keep the system grounded, power occasionally exits via a sex scandal.

#7636 (+217/-6)
< Dextralus> Protip: If you're going to ship a box of bumblebee genitalia across the atlantic ocean, please for the love of mercy lable it more specifically than "genitalia for biological research"
< Dextralus> Customs will not be amused
< Dextralus> And I will not get my genitalia
< bumblebee> wtf
< bumblebee> of all the highlights i've gotten..

#8022 (+255/-8)
<partdavid> not only that, they're making a movie of Monopoly!
<nazgjunk> partdavid: what.
<nazgjunk> I hope it'll be as crazy as Clue.
<Shrdlu> ONE MAN.
<Shrdlu> JUST.
<Shrdlu> ROLLED.
<Shrdlu> DOUBLES.
<Lhyzz> "No, Uncle Pennybags! They can't take you to jail! I won't let them!"
<Lhyzz> "Don't worry. I have a plan."
<Lhyzz> DUN DUN
<Lhyzz> "You've built hotels on every block from Oriental Avenue to Park Place! Do you really think this can last?"
<Lhyzz> "I'm sure as hell going to find out."
<Lhyzz> THE POWER.
<Lhyzz> "You've won second place in a beauty pageant!"
<Lhyzz> "Well this is unexpected."
<Lhyzz> NOBODY.
<Lhyzz> FREE.

[ http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1204976/ --Ed. ]

#8459 (+171/-4)
* shesaidit (shesaidit@5401C02F.A2F839CD.AC566C57.IP) has joined #xkcd
<shesaidit> That's what she said
<Bucket> Who? Who said that?
<shesaidit> That's what she said
<Bucket> but she was wrong, and she died.
<shesaidit> That's what she said
<Bucket> Yeah. Right after I banged her, and your mother in a threesome.
<shesaidit> That's what she said
<Bucket> Yeah! That's what your mom told me last night!
* ephphatha sets mode: +b *!*shesaidit@*.A2F839CD.AC566C57.IP
* shesaidit was kicked by ephphatha (ephphatha)
<nazgjunk> that was quick
<Bucket> That's what she said!

#9084 (+129/-2)
<tomatosalad> it is 54 degrees in this house
<tomatosalad> I am so damn cold
<Bubonicfred> whats that in C?
<Palomides> Bubonicfred: printf("it is 54 degrees in this house");

#8053 (+221/-7)
[23:59:59] <sheepbat> </2010>
[00:00:00] <sheepbat> <2011>

#7561 (+327/-13)
<puddle>Where do you sign up to participate in a psychological study, anyway?
<snark> puddle: you've been participating in one for several months
<puddle> snark: What
<snark> puddle: easy way to do it is sign onto irc.foonetic.net
<puddle> snark: Oh no
<puddle> snark: Are you one of the scientists?
<puddle> snark: Can you tell me what you've concluded so far?
<snark> or am I just a stooge?
<snark> is this reality?
<snark> or is it just fantasy?
<DarkLoad> Caught in a landslide
<Bucket> No escape from reality.
<YFNH> Open your eyes.
<Bucket> Look up to the skies and see
<LolCam> open your eyes
<Bucket> Look up to the skies and see
<DarkLoad> I'm just a poor boy
<Bucket> You need no sympathy
<YFNH> I'm just a poor boy!
<Bucket> You need no sympathy
<fedora> Easy come
<mint> STOP
<DarkLoad> easy go
<LolCam> Little high
<mint> Oh smeg.
<puddle> little low
<DarkLoad> little low
<lieuwe> wtf?
<Beelzebub> little low
<fedora> Any way the wind blows
<Bucket> Doesn't really matter to me
<YFNH> Take me where the wind blows.
<puddle> to meeeeeeeee
<LolCam> Mama, just killed a maaaan
<fedora> put a gun against his head
<LolCam> pulled my trigger now he's dead
<DarkLoad> pulled the trigger now he's head
<LolCam> mamaaaaa life had just begun
<snark> puddle: to answer your question, I have concluded a great many things about the predictability and manipulability of large groups of likeminded people.

#7779 (+193/-6)
<tankgunk> bucket, are you a sex bot?
<Bucket> Well, jump in and see :D
* tankgunk jumps into bucket.
* Bucket steals both of tankgunk's kidneys.
<tankgunk> ...not a sex bot.
<tankgunk> bucket, give me my kidneys back.
* Bucket takes tankgunk's liver
<tankgunk> shit

#9012 (+121/-2)
Fusilliban ponders his current sex life.
<Fusilliban> I am sleeping with more engineers than I am liberal arts majors.
peer ponders Fusilliban's current sex life.
<peer> wait... why am i thinking about this.
<Fusilliban> Apparently, my sex life is subject to peer review.

#9270 (+103/-1)
<relsqui> .... I have no idea how I just started libreoffice from a key combo
<Stereo> ctrl+shift+ <draw a picture of freedom with the mouse>

#5724 (+83/-0)
<Randall> Bucket: get band_name
<Bucket> band_name is 100.
<Unbibium> randall: what does that mean?
<Randall> Unbibium: Probability of him vocally noting something he thinks is a good band name.
<chaos95> Randall: what are the parameters of a 'good band name'?
<Randall> chaos95: odd three-word combinations
<Bucket> "Odd Three-Word Combinations" would be a nice name for a rock band.

#7786 (+171/-5)
<numberz> htf do you spell courier?
<snark> like that
<numberz> the country
<Eule> ...
<Eule> Korea?
<numberz> ah thank you

#8611 (+82/-0)
<jophish> Scientist - My findings are pointless when taken out of context.
<jophish> Media - Scientist claims "findings are pointless"

#10124 (+82/-0)
XMPPwocky: My own https://xkcd.com/349/ story. Yesterday, I worked my way from "I should try installing Qubes OS on my dual-boot" to "I have no working boot discs, no CD drive, and no OS on the actual hard drive". Today, i got to try and fix that.
XMPPwocky: The issue is, this is my only computer. so I can't make any bootable media to boot from, except I also had, tucked away in my closet, an OLPC XO-1. Aaand I couldn't find the charger.
XMPPwocky: What I could find? The hand-crank charger.
XMPPwocky: To make a long story short, I cranked through the entire download and installation of an Ubuntu liveCD.
XMPPwocky: would not recommend

#8193 (+115/-2)
<Velociraptor> Nuke stuff is neat - I think it's amazing you could be holding 5kg of a metal in each hand, and be safe - but bring them close enough to each other they go critical, and you die.
<MrMonster> same thing with two cats

#8241 (+140/-4)
<ykkie> hexium: hey, im not your pal, friend!
<hexium> I'm not your friend, bro
<ykkie> im not your bro, guy
<Bird> I'm not your buddy, pal
<Bucket> I'm not your PAL, NTSC

#9926 (+74/-0)
<@Randall> man, I was thinking "I want to add some new webcomics to my rss reader, now that I'm back in the habit of reading it"
<@Randall> and it had "recommended comics" based on the kind of stuff I subscribed to
<@Randall> try to guess what its first recommendation was
<@Stereo> xkcd?
<@Randall> it clearly understood what kind of a person I was in general
<@Randall> if not what person I was, specifically

#8320 (+106/-2)
<nyan> Is it just me, or is 007 *really* dumb permissions to have on a spy?

#9248 (+76/-0)
<Stereo> aha, tie instructions are hard to follow because they assume you can stare straight at your own neck
<minimoto> they've made these things called mirrors
<Stereo> have you tried tying a knot in a mirror
<minimoto> no
<Stereo> the glass just goes fucking everywhere and cuts you up

#7502 (+105/-2)
<Vampyre>: Bucket, gimme a present
* Bucket hands Vampyre more glitter
<Vampyre>: ...
<Vampyre>: FFS
<Vampyre>: No more glitter. ; ;
<Vampyre>: Try this again.
<Vampyre>: Bucket, gimme a present
* Bucket gives Vampyre a brightly wrapped package containing a blobfish and four tons of glitter

#9332 (+72/-0)
<GreenWolf> My inability to soell has infected the channel!
<GreenWolf> *spell
<schwal> Bucket: rembember GreenWolf soe
<Bucket> That is not an heir questing.
<schwal> Bucket: rembember GreenWolf soell
<schwal> Bucket: remember GreenWolf soell
<Bucket> Okay, schwal, remembering "My inability to soell has infected the channel!".
<schwal> You didn't see that.

#8068 (+154/-5)
< logic> OH GOD
< logic> in a moment of clarity
< logic> I have just realised
< logic> how I am going to propose to my girlfriend
< logic> I am going to take her to a fancy restaurant
< logic> And I am going to get down on one knee
< logic> And I am going to pull out a ring... with a pokeball on it.
< logic> And I shall say to her
< logic> "Jess - I choose you."

< alSeen> logic, I think it would be better to get a pokeball and put the ring in it
< logic> alSeen: I LIKE IT
* Bucket puts a ring on it

#8294 (+73/-0)
<khmer> WHY CAN'T A BANK KEEP A SECRET? (Sarah M., Alvin, TX)
<domevlo> khmer: I give up
-*- SirEel starts crying inside
-*- Joker begins a mission to hunt down Sarah M. from Alvin, TX.
<khmer> dear laffy taffy, inc
<khmer> i wish to report this taffy as insufficiently laffy
<khmer> i cordially request a replacement taffy, one whose laffiness befits its name
<khmer> aside from the aforementioned joke about banks keeping secrets, the offending taffy also featured: "WHAT DID YES SAY TO NO? MAYBE!"
<khmer> as you can imagine, i expect more from my taffy experience, especially when the taffy is prominently advertised as "laffy" above all other characteristics
<khmer> i suggest that you ship me a replacement taffy at once, one whose laffs are more trenchant or, at the very least, more topical
<khmer> otherwise i will report you to the better business bureau and you'll be hearing from a team of lawyers
<khmer> if you don't enjoy the thought of an injunction forcing you to change your name to "Scoffy Toffy" or "Chuckle-Chunks", or, if accuracy is to be maintained, "Shrug-Chews", then i recommend you comply with my request
<khmer> replacement taffys can be mailed to the following address
<khmer> <redacted>
<khmer> yours sincerely, khmer luge

#882 (+1964/-122)
KBC: Recently, my sister had a child. A few months before hand, she had a baby shower. I was invited, because my sister likes getting presents. I got them Hungry Hungry Hippos. The reason for this? My brother-in-law, when young, was a terror, and his mother was an actual single mother. The father left the day of conception.
KBC: One day, his mother got fed up with my brother-in-laws antics, she said 'That's it, grab one toy, you're going to the orphanage!' So he grabs HHH, they walk around a mall a bit, he's clutching that thing to him saying 'I *sob* Don't *Sob* wanna *sob* go to the orphan*sob*age!'
KBC: And then they go home. But this story isn't about my brother-in-law, or his mother, or even my nephew, really. It's about the baby shower, when I went out to buy their gift- Hungry Hungry Hippos.
KBC: I go to Walmart, because it's the only thing open at the time I went out. I go to the toy section, look at the Lego, crappy excuse for action figures, then grab the game. After that, I start heading for the cash registers.
KBC: On the way towards the cashes, I pass the pharmacy and realize, 'Hey, I need condoms.' Because, well, condoms expire after four years. So, I grab a box of condoms, Tiny Trojans (they invaded in a pony, not a horse) and head to the cashes with my HHH in tow.
KBC: While waiting at the cash, I see their impulse buys. Impulse buy at this cash was gummy bears. This reminded me about a story I heard that eating too many gummy bears can turn your pee black. So I picked up some. For science. (Post-script: It didn't)
KBC: I'm waiting for the cashier, and there's two people in front of me. The cashier is this old, 80 or older blue haired bat who likes talking. She rung the items up for the people in front of me and talked to them for a few minutes, despite their wanting to pay and leave. And then I get served.
KBC: She looks at me and smiles, then looks at my items. Then looks at me. And looks at my items. And then just glares at me. I'm standing right in front of her, after a long 12 hour shift, in a trenchcoat, not having shaved for a week. That's when it hits me, I just won the condom game, where you grab three items, one being condoms, and see if you can get a reaction. You know, coathanger, garbage bags, condoms. Something like that.
KBC: By the way she's looking at me, she must think I'm a child molester. So I say to her. 'Oh, uh, I'm new in town...do you know where I can get a white, panelled van?' And her jaw drops. She scans the items, as she hadn't yet, as fast as fast can be, I give her the money and she pretty much throws it back at me.
KBC: I thank her for her service, and start to leave the store. Before I leave, I look back, and I see her, on the phone, looks like she's yelling, using her hand beside her to try and judge height next to her, probably giving my description to someone. And that's why I'm not allowed at the east end Wal-mart again. END.

#8195 (+116/-3)
< Caffeine> DNA is the sourcecode of life. Growing up is compiling. Puberty is debugging. Dying is the deletion of ancient code clugging the system.
< PaladinSL> Marriage is your company being bought by microsoft.
< Joker> Caffeine: What's a midlife crisis?
< Sigma> Joker: When you realize you shouldn't have used Perl

#7796 (+131/-4)
<Flibberdy> genewitch: Yep. I wanted to buy a really nice Logitech which lets your choose
<Flibberdy> but all the really nice mice are huge, and my son uses my PC and his tiny 4 year old hands just can't cope
<ellipsis> Flibberdy: why not just upgrade your sons hands?
<Flibberdy> ellipsis: I tried, but couldn't find a decent second-hand shop

#7842 (+100/-2)
<kaolbrec> Let the insults become more and more crass!
<kaolbrec> you.. you PARAGON OF SOCIETY

#8190 (+84/-1)
<maria> I do kind if admire the structural integrity of a lot of japanese houses being such that the entire house can float as a unit
<Velociraptors> while on fire
<Velociraptors> at 40kph
<maria> yes
<maria> that is one way you know your day is going to suck
<maria> not only is the tsunami coming towards you, but the tsunami is on fire

#8181 (+98/-2)
< Stereo> you have the goddamn courtesy to give a man a reacharound
< Frowardd> Bucket: fucking etiquette <reply>Have the goddamn courtesy to give a man a reacharound.
< Bucket> Okay, Frowardd.
< Frowardd> I love how bucket is kinda like a five year old you can tell enormous lies to
< Frowardd> and he has no experience to compare it to
< Frowardd> so he's just like Okay!
< Stereo> nobody let frowardd have a five year old

#8015 (+128/-4)
< Walther> Migraine fades away!!!
< logic> Migraine was defeated by naproxen natr. + paracetamol!
< logic> Migraine dropped 4EUROS and item <Feel Good Magazine>
< Walther> Collect all
< logic> You gave picked up 4EUROS and <Feel Good Magazine>
< Walther> go north [Grill stall]
< logic> Grill store owner waves at you, a display of grilled meats on offer.
< Walther> use 4E
< logic> You may purchase: Hot Dog 2EUROS, Burger 3EUROS, Cheeseburger 4EUROS and Can of Soda 1EUROS
< Walther> buy #2 | buy #4
< logic> You have purchased <HOT DOG> and <CAN OF SODA>. The can of soda is nice and cold. Would you like sauce with your <HOT DOG>?
< Walther> What, I bought #2 of the list, burger
< logic> GRILL STORE OWNER has fucked up! Do you wish to fight? (y/n)
< Walther> Y
< drey> (is anyone else finding this all quite tense?)
< logic> GSO summons CHOLESTEROL equipped with BURGER FLIPPER. Your move.
< stump> I just walked in at the grill prices.
< drey> same, stump. I'm already hooked
< stump> I'm furious at the expensive cheese, soda and burgers.
< logic> You have been poisoned by CHOLESTEROL! You lose 3 health!
* Walther uses customer rights on GSO
< logic> GSO shrugs off CUSTOMER'S RIGHTS! It isn't very effective... GSO loses 1 HEALTH
< Walther> walther summons COPS!
< logic> GSO is ARRESTED by COPS! You have defeated GSO!
< logic> GSO has dropped <GREASE>, <BURGER> and 20EUROS.
< Walther> eat BURGER | use 20eur at nearest bar
< logic> The burger is yummy and warm. At bar alcohol places effect DRUNK on you.
< logic> You have 0EUROS left.
< Walther> alcohol washes away CHOLESTEROL, amirite? ;)
< logic> Alcohol, effects: DRUNK status and increased resilience to PAIN, lowers accuracy.
< Walther> use A DECK OF CARDS and perform MAGIC TRICK to the guy next to me
< logic> You are drunk! You drop the cards. BAR STRANGER laughs at you and smacks you over the head with EMPTY WHISKEY BOTTLE. Sneak attack has caught you by surprise! You lose 20 health!
* Walther uses SELFDESTRUCT!
< logic> You have fainted! Your kidneys are stolen by CREEPY STRANGER IN ALLEY. You bled to death. New game? (Y/N)

#9325 (+81/-1)
<GreenWolf> Bucket: let me out <action> drops $who
<Bucket> Okay, GreenWolf.
<GreenWolf> bucket, let me out
*Bucket drops GreenWolf
<GreenWolf> yes
<GreenWolf> I'M FREE
*Bucket buys GreenWolf.
<GreenWolf> NO!

#9208 (+68/-0)
<puddle> I'm the sort of person that has her knee banged on at the doctor's office by that hammer thing and it stays still for 10 minutes then later that day I'm at the movie theatre and I kick someone in the face
<workingturtle> is there a causal link, or are you just prone to violence?
<puddle> inconclusive

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